More Dying to Self and My Flesh. . .

If I live for no other reason than to go through some kind of hell on earth and gain an ounce of wisdom and revelation from it to share right here, then my life has been worth it.  I have been through one of those times recently and have come to the surface to see Light again.  Thank God.

Over the past several months, I have been slowly sinking into a depression, but was too ashamed and prideful to admit that. (Shame and pride, not good)...I could put on my happy face and fake it when needed, but more recently, I was having more and more trouble just getting out of bed without crying, thinking of death and pondering my purpose in life.  I avoided people, parties, church, everything.  I had no joy, passion, love or compassion.  All the while, shaming myself for feeling depressed because I am a Christian!  (Where does shame come from?  That's right...the devil.) I seemed so far away from myself that I didn't recognize who I was becoming.  It scared me.  So, nine days ago, after again waking up feeling this awful heaviness on me, I decided to call my doctor and go back on an antidepressant.  I was reluctant, but also desperate.   I knew I could not continue in the direction I was headed.

The horse therapy helped tremendously, but only for a short time because the weather got so cold, I couldn't bear it.  Although, I will return to those beautiful, majestic beings.

So, let me get to the good part.  Last Sunday, Gary and I heard a man preaching on TV from South Carolina.  Ron Carpenter.  I'd never seen him before.  He had three men get up on stage with him and he named them:  The Spirit Man, The Soul Man, and The Physical Man.  We are made up of all three.  If any one of these entities gets too much focus, we can be out of balance or an area of our life will be neglected.  He talked about the Soul Man-our mind, will and emotions.  Our "flesh"...that part of us that can be self-absorbed, self-seeking with lots of selfish ambition when running rampant and especially when we are neglecting our Spirit Man.  I immediately had a check in my spirit.  All this stuff I'd been feeling for the past several weeks had been so selfish...the "what about me?" syndrome had overtaken my thoughts, my will and my emotions.  However, there is a part of depression that no matter what you do, you cannot even WILL yourself to get better.  I had gotten to that point, but I also was convicted about my Soul Man being out of balance.  Monday morning, I woke up and again, felt no purpose for living and had a difficult time getting out of bed.  I had bouts of crying, apathetic, and hopeless at times.  Gary left for four days on a business trip and that left me feeling alone even more.  So, at this point, I am thankful I decided to get on the antidepressant to physically pull me out of this deep, dark hole.  However, it had only been 6 days prior that I began taking it and it says to allow 2-3 weeks for a person to feel the effects.  Could I hang on that long?

I had lost the desire for true quiet time with God, i.e., reading His word and my daily devotional and being still.  I dreaded my prayer closet because I was afraid if I knelt down and began talking to God, I would "lose it."

Tuesday rolls around and I have several errands I need to run, but could accomplish them after lunch.  I again have a difficult time getting out of bed and finding a purpose for the day, but finally manage.  I eat a healthy breakfast and piddle around the house and turn on a taped Joyce Myer episode from October, 2009.  She's talking about NOT living by our emotions...hmm?  God is speaking.  I'm listening.  She speaks about our "flesh" and how it can get out of control and all we can think about is ourselves, our issues, our pain, etc.  Then we start living by our emotions rather than the Word of God, which can separate the soul from the spirit.  Oh, this was speaking to me, loudly.

It seems for such a long time, I've been searching for my exact purpose, what was I supposed to do with my life, I need to be doing something, etc...did you notice that God is not mentioned in that sentence I just spoke?  All that searching was my flesh acting up.  My flesh has been searching for my purpose and has prevented me from seeing God's purpose.  I went to my closet and got on my knees and God and I had a huge counseling session.  I begged Him to kill my flesh!  I finally saw my flesh for it's true self!  Self-seeking, selfish, self-absorbed, carnal, lusting the world and the list goes on.  That day, in my closet, God crucified my flesh in a big way and I am the better for it.  It's one thing to know something, its another to get a revelation about it.  I knew in my head that my flesh was selfish, but when I got the revelation that my flesh had been leading me, pulling me, pushing me, all in the wrong directions, I immediately wanted it to DIE!  God answered my prayers, as He is so faithful to answer our prayers that line up with His will.

The next morning, (yesterday), I awoke, cautiously looked around,  and realized I felt a purpose for my life.  I was not thinking about death, and hopelessness.  I had no desire to weep uncontrollably.  I smiled and said to God, "I feel good today, Lord.  The heaviness is gone."  I feel like a new person, truly.  I sang out loud to the radio, I got things done with joy and I once again felt compassion and love in my heart for others and myself...but in a good way :)  I thank God for once again, delivering me and saving me from myself.  He is faithful and true and just and He desires good things for His children.

The flesh is a cunning entity.  If left untamed, it will run wild and have you running in all different directions; all leading away from God.  I don't think that EVERYTHING about the flesh is bad; having emotions is actually a good thing...but when they start to rule your life, your decisions, your path...the flesh has gone too far. The world and everything in it is constantly luring our flesh.  Our flesh is weak, but the Spirit is strong.  Be strong in the Lord.

"For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions.  These are not from the Father, but are from this world.  And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave.  But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever."  I John 2:16-17

Horse Heaven

The strangest obsession has come over me in the past few months...although it subtly began over two years ago.  In September, 2008, I attended a retreat south of Lubbock called Soul Purpose Experience...a small group of five women attended that weekend and we had lots of group discussion about our purpose in life, what we loved to do, etc...etc.  The setting was a beautiful ranch with gorgeous horses who were our co-counselors for the weekend.  We never rode the horses, but got in a small pen with them and spent time with them.  It was then that I fell head over heals with a striking Paint horse named Prince.  I had the opportunity to take photos of those beautiful horses that weekend and ever since then, have been on a journey to continue to photograph beautiful horses.

This past year, I took notice of a location at Bell and I-27 where there are about 20 horses roaming around Horseshoe Lake.  It's a beautiful setting for horses to strut around....the lake, the trees, the open pasture for them....I have been mesmerized by those horses for some time now and would occasionally stop and take pictures of them.  The fence was usually in the way, though and I could never get a great shot.  One day, the owner of the horses approached me while I was gawking at those beautiful, majestic creatures and I asked if he minded me taking their pictures.  He assured me he didn't and I could even get in there with them if I wanted.  That was about the jest of the conversation and ever since then, I continued to drive by, hoping to get a glimpse of those gorgeous horses.

The more I thought about them and drove by to see them, the more I wanted to be close to them...really close; not just to photograph them, but to touch them...  So after several mornings of prayer and asking God to let me know if He has heard my prayers and was interested in them at all...I cried out for Him to show me He WAS in fact interested in the smallest details of my life...even the detail of the fact that I longed to be near those horses.  There, in the middle of my living room while I lay on my back, tears streaming out the corners of my eyes, God gently said, "Get up, put your boots on and go over there."  "Really, Lord?" I asked.  "Yes, put your boots on and go over there, right now."  I jumped up and ran to my closet and put my only pair of cowboy boots on.....dressed, etc. and drove over to that location.  On the way over, I explained to the Lord that I needed to see the owner so I could ask him if I could help with his horses....(as if God didn't already have everything planned out...)  Sure enough, I pulled up and there was the owner's truck.  Long story short....I explained to him my deep need to be with horses and asked if he needed any help with them, such as grooming, brushing, etc....He said he needed help with them all the time!  What an answered prayer!  I was so happy to hear that!

As the day wore on, I learned that I had met this man several years ago in a Lifegroup and he's married to a girl from Sunray, my hometown!  In fact, her sister and I were in the same class!  Good grief, it's a small world!

What I am most amazed at is how I feel when I am in the presence of these horses.  I wondered and wondered why they had such an impact on me and finally decided that the very words I'd use to describe God are the words I would use to describe a horse....strong, majestic, powerful, yet gentle, mysterious, spiritual, intuitive, and loving.  I'm in Horse Heaven while brushing their coats, detangling and braiding their manes and tails, talking softly in their ears....and sometimes it's not so glamorous, but I wouldn't trade the time I spend with them for anything.

I am grateful beyond measure for this man allowing me to be with his horses and I hope I am really helping him out...because being with those horses has been the best therapy I've had in years....:)  God really does care about the tiniest details of our life....that's some good news.

P.S. The verse above in the photograph is hard to read...It's Job 39:19-21

Depression and Perfection. . .

I just need to write here today.  Although its difficult for me to admit that I'm having a hard time because it seems my "job" is to always be up and cheerful and healthy.  Well, the past few days I've not felt so well, seasonal stuff, but it really gets me down to not feel well.  But there is such a two-edged sword here that I'm dealing with:  1) I feel my role is to be Gary's healthy wife, so 2) what do I do if I'm having a bad health day?  Can you believe I'm having such a hard time with that?  I believe what I'm dealing with here is a root of perfection.  Not a stranger to me at all.  I thought that root had been pulled up, but that was another "P" word=Performance! :)

I despise how the enemy can torment me when I don't feel well.  Literally DESPISE it!  Because I haven't felt well, the enemy comes in like a flood and with one big swoop, tries to convince me that I'm no good AT ALL!  Does he ever do that to you?  So, by the end of the day, I don't feel well physically, and I don't feel well emotionally either.  In fact, the spirit of depression has settled in to make a home right on top of me!  Depression is a coy thing to me.  I realize hormones, physical activity, food we eat, etc...all play a part in the effects of depression, but I also believe it has a spiritual root as well.  Especially if one leaves a door open for it to come on in.

I'd like today to be a better day than yesterday.  However, I feel weak physically and emotionally--meaning, I can't do it on my own.  I must surrender this to the Lord and allow His Holy Spirit to take over me in every aspect.  I pray He takes every thought captive and align them with His will.  I pray for a grateful attitude despite how I "feel"....the reality is:  I am a child of the most High King, the God of the Universe, a Royal Priest....with God for me, who can be against me?  Not satan...he's nothing to God and me.  But here's the deal, I have to allow myself the freedom to have a "bad" day and not feel the pressure to have "perfect" days...That's just too much to live up to.  God is perfect...I'm not!

"Busy" . . . a new four-letter word

"Hey Dawn, how ya been?"  Oh fine, just busy!.....How many times have you heard that answer?  I have lost count...literally, lost count.  For the past couple of years, it seems that is the trite answer from everyone!  I'd ask someone the question, "how ya doin?", and literally expect them to say...."oh, just busy," and they did!

It seems to me, in the spirit world, the enemy has ever-so-gently laid a veil over us, Americans for sure, but possibly the entire world...a veil of busyness.  Even I, a homemaker with no time-clock to punch everyday, have felt this same "busyness" that people who work 70 hours a week feel...doesn't that seem a little suspicious to anyone?  EVERYONE IS SO BUSY!

What really amazes me, is that when I think about my parents' generation and my grandparents' generation...I don't remember ever hearing that answer to the question, "How are you?"  I really can't remember that at all.  What I do remember is that, during the summer, my aunts and their lady friends on the block would sit around the kitchen table for hours during the day, drinking iced tea and smoking cigarettes while they told us kids to go outside and play....goodness!  I don't see any of that happening today, ever!

It's also remarkable to me that today, we have more conveniences than ever before in the history of time.  Literally, at our fingertips, we can shop online, order pictures, pay bills, just about anything a person might need, is at the tips of their fingertips 24/7, 365 days a year!  So, why then today, do we have so much less time to visit with people, accomplish everyday errands, spend quiet time with God and even just be a family?  Isn't that mind-boggling?  What is going on here, people?

My theory, as I mentioned earlier, is that the veil of deception and busyness is covering our eyes and ears to the truth.  So, we continue on with our day-to-day activities in a robotic fashion to the point of utter desensitization.  We THINK this normal, because everyone beside us is doing the same thing!  If we're not "BUSY"...then what are we doing?  Just lying around on the couch eating bon-bons everyday?  Huh?  We've all got to be BUSY or we might seem like we're loafing!

Well, today, at lunch, my friend Tammy and I discussed this very issue and we've decided we may have a part in this....I believe that words have the power of life and death...Proverbs 18:21 says The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences. NLT~~I believe that every time I've said, "Oh, I'm just busy, so busy," I have opened the door for the enemy to usher in his little "Busy Demon" to torment me, push me faster, and devour the sweet time God has given me.  So, today~I commit the word B-U-S-Y into the dictionary of four-letter words; and we all know what's in there:  BAD WORDS WE DON'T WANT TO SAY! :)  I pray God will convict my heart to think before I speak the four-letter word.... " _usy" so as NOT to give the enemy an open-door policy with my time, energy or attitude...

From now on, I am not "_usy". . .I am BLESSED!

What Am I Holding On To?

Last night, while listening to Beth Moore's study on Revelation....she mentioned something at the very end that was so profound to me.... After falling asleep thinking about it...I woke up thinking about it.

She said, "We either hang on to our First Love or to unforgiveness.  Which do I choose?" Wow!  Have you ever heard a statement that came directly from the Holy Spirit and nailed you the instant you heard it?  I did, last night!  I imagined my hands clutching the unforgiveness I've harbored in my heart for some time now and saw exactly how I COULDN'T be hanging on to Jesus while my hands were full and clenched tightly with unforgiveness!  There's no possible way! 

So, what did I choose?  Well, it didn't take long for me to get on my knees and ask God to forgive ME for holding on to this unforgiveness, justified or not.  In fact, I learned, "justified unforgiveness" is just another tool the enemy uses on us to keep us where he wants us....NOT where God wants us.  So, really, there is no "justified unforgiveness."  I spoke out what/who I needed to forgive and I released it, (yes, like letting a balloon go free), into the air.  Here's the great part, another thing Beth mentioned....it's not like this just goes into the air, floating on a cloud, with no destination....NO!  What I released went right into God's hands!  He grabbed it and HE will avenge it!  He will avenge the wrong I have suffered!  That is great news, friends!  I don't have to worry anymore about making this right, or being justified or anything!  God WILL make it right for me, His child!  I trust Him to do that and now I AM released from the burden of unforgiveness!!  So far, today, that's been the best news I've heard.  I hope it's good news to you as well!

So, go ahead, open your clenched fists and let the unforgiveness go.....right into God's hands.  He will avenge you too.  You no longer have to be consumed with who wronged you or what they did....just let it go. . .AND. . .this in turn has caused me to want to make amends to those I've hurt. . .Hmm?  Isn't God perfect in all His ways?  I think so . . .:)

And the two shall become one. . .

Oh my, not to be so sappy, but I have missed Gary terribly the past few days! He left on Saturday to go to Wyoming for his bow and arrow Elk Hunt for a week! We went up to Wal-mart Saturday to get him some goodies for the long road trip and said our good-byes in the parking lot...romantic, huh? I'm sure the people there at the gas station wished we'd have gotten a room! :)

So he drives off towards I-40 and I drive back to the house. When I walked in, a sadness just came over me. Knowing he'd be gone for several days AND he wouldn't have phone reception after Monday did not give me much to look forward to. So what did I do? I got up off the couch and baked a cake and proceeded to eat it...No! not all of it, but a bite just about every time I went into the kitchen...ya know? I need a lot of stuff in the kitchen, lol!

I did take photos of a family Saturday night and make it out to dinner with a girlfriend, but when I came home that night, again the sadness hit me square in the heart. I slept on Gary's side of the bed just to feel a little closer to him.

Sunday rolls around and I roll out of bed and got as far as the couch. Goodness, I was just worthless for about 48 hours! Is that ridiculous or what? Here's what I chalk it up to...my other half was literally missing and my body was going through shock! Marriage is such a blessing in so many ways! When Gary and I married, we became one, spiritually, emotionally and physically--just as God ordained it to be. When we're apart...especially when we're FAR apart...it feels unbearable at times. I told Gary that when he leaves to go on these week long hunts, which thankfully, aren't very often, I feel "vulnerable." That was the word that came to me when I was trying to put my finger on how it felt when he left. Imagine two bodies connected all the way down and when one is gone...that whole side is left...well, vulnerable...

When Gary and I married, all our problems didn't disappear over night...but we became twice as strong, twice as wise, twice as everything! Every year I'm married to Gary, I see more and more the beautiful picture God had in mind when He said 'the two shall become one.'  I am so grateful for that and so blessed to be Gary's wife.

So, here's a picture of what my hunting husband shot today with his bow . . .Man! I love him!

A Little Red Flag . . .

Well, lots has happened since I last wrote...where do I begin...You know the clothing business I was so joyfully getting into? Well...that turned out to be a smoke-screen from the enemy and I fell for it: hook...line...and sinker! I believe the enemy brings things to us that LOOK so perfect for us on the outside, yet, deeper down...there might be just one, small red flag attached....

It's that one, small red flag that I most needed to pay attention to and didn't. In fact, I completely dismissed it because of my pride, selfish ambition and falling prey to the temptations of the world...

Does that sound like a loaded paragragh when I'm just talking about a clothing business from home? Well, that's how the enemy got me to take the bait. I only blame myself for not paying attention to the little red flag. It doesn't even matter WHAT the little red flag was...the fact remains...when God puts a red flag in our path...it would be most wise to pay attention...stop....pray...wait and see what that red flag is ALL about. Had I done that...I would have never thrown myself into this full force and used 4 weeks of my life to go searching for something that only God can fulfill in me.

Suffice it to say, the show was a success and I don't feel badly about that. However, by Saturday morning, I had just about decided this was not the job for mine and Gary's life right now with him being in the busiest season of his career...so when I had to tell my manager and friend that I was not going to be able to do another show (October/Nov)...it was not good news for her. I really hate to disappoint people, but I have learned the hard way...it is better to disappoint people than disobey God. The consequences for disobeying God are much graver than the persecution of man. This was not an easy task for me, but something I HAD to do. It was between God and me at this point and I wasn't about to disobey Him again.

Friendships may be lost or broken when we choose to obey God over pleasing man, but my fear of God has grown much greater than my fear of man. Thank goodness! It has taken MANY years, but I'm finally getting there.

I encourage you to pay close attention to ANY red flag God has put before you. It is there for a very specific reason. Don't dismiss it. The consequences can be devestating...tis much better to obey in the beginning than apologize in the end. Blessings~

Love

Wow! It seems like it's been an eternity since I last wrote. Just watched the movie Eat, Pray, Love with my dear friend, Deb. What a great chick flick. It had a lot of neat points to it...one of which was when Liz was in Rome and a native explained how Americans work all the time, entertain, but don't know how to enjoy pleasure...that seems so utterly true of us...

I remember a time not too long ago when I could not enjoy anything for the constant under current of "guilt" that seemed to overtake me when joy knocked on my door. I am so thankful now that I can enjoy the things God has put before me as a blessing...such as a summer morning walk, watching Shorty sleep like a baby, hugging Gary when he gets home from work, a movie with a girlfriend on Friday afternoon, family who love me and family whom I love, great health, passion to live life to the fullest....the list goes on and on, but you get the drift.

I do believe God wants us to feel joy unspeakable, an ocean of passion and pleasure...yes! pleasure! Pleasure to one might be pain to another...thankfully, God knows the difference for each of us...lol!

For the past month, I have worked diligently searching for emails and phone numbers and addresses for women to invite to my Etcetera clothing show next week. Honestly, I had no idea how many hours would eventually go into all that, but I am not complaining. In fact, I am delighted at the connections God has put before me just because of this clothing business I decided to get into. It gives me great pleasure to be used by God in any way possible and I can see His hand at work at every turn. And to think He would use a clothing business? He cracks me up! I just love God's way of getting us connected to people He wants us to connect to. I'd been praying for about three months for a home-based business that I didn't have to start from the ground up AND something that I could use my passion to help others with....Voila`....a clothing business! Of course! Who knew?

I used to feel so insecure (still have some bouts on occasion), about myself and I sometimes even loathed my existence. It wasn't until I discovered how much God loves me that I was able to love myself AND forgive myself for my many mistakes in the past....and sometimes daily. Love heals everything, even self-loathing. But before I could love myself, Jesus loved me, unconditionally....then He brought Gary into my life and showed me unconditional love and THEN I was able to love myself completely....I had begun the process many years ago...but it wasn't complete yet. I don't think it takes a man to show us how to love ourselves....I'm not saying that at all....I would have eventually gotten there on my own...and in my own way, I did love myself...just not completely, like I do now. It sounds self-serving to even say that, but it isn't a self-serving kind of love I'm talking about. It's a kind of love that has grace attached to it so that when I make a mistake, I don't want to shut down and isolate from the world. It's a kind of love that has enough grace for me and others....that kind of love doesn't come from ourselves...it comes from ACCEPTING GOD'S unconditional love...He has enough to give me extra, so that I can give to others. Otherwise, it WOULD be only a self-serving love...

So, do you have enough self-love to give love to others? Or do you feel the need to hoard it all for yourself because you DON'T feel loved ENOUGH? If you're feeling a little low, go to the Source Who never runs dry....the God of the Universe....the King of all Kings....Christ....Your Savior Who loves you more than you could ever know....He's waiting for you with open arms....:)

No Place Like Home. . .

I've been on a two and a half day journey to the Santa Fe/Albuquerque area and I'm home tonight, safe and sound. When I left Monday afternoon, I had an anxiousness that I couldn't explain, but several months ago, I committed to speaking at three different Women's groups and I knew I had to leave. Once on the road, my anxiousness subsided and I was eager to get to Santa Fe and get settled into my hotel room.

Pastor Jimmy once said in a message that "without sacrifice, there will be no redemption." It was that day in church that I decided I would travel to NM to speak at these three women's groups. All three of my speaking engagements went well and I was delighted and blessed to meet so many precious women who love the Lord. Today, especially, I could tell several women related to my past as they nodded their heads in agreement with my words and tears streamed down their eyes. My prayer, every time I speak, is that Holy Spirit will deliver HIS message for HIS people....whatever it is they need to hear and He always shows up. I am so grateful for that.

But I must say, it is sooooo good to be home! I am a home-body, through and through. I missed Gary immensely, and I missed Two-Dogs too! Which brings me to my next adventure....A home-based clothing business with Etcetera from New York. For months, I've been praying and asking God for "something" else....I love being a housewife to Gary, first and foremost, but I deeply desired to do something more with my gifts and talents...I knew there was something else for me, but I didn't know what that "something" was...?

For many years, I have bought Etcetera clothing from my friend Sammi Murdoch. This clothing line is high quality, high style and I love their designs! Recently, she mentioned she wanted to find someone to take over her Sales Consultant position as she is the Area Development Manager and has so much on her plate with another job, as well. All of a sudden, I asked God if THIs was it? Was this what I had been praying about for months? Everything I desired in a home-based business is fulfilled with this Sales Consultant position, so Monday, I signed the contract with Casuals Etcetera of New York and August 18th-24th is my first "Trunk Show" and I can hardly wait! There's much to be done before then, but I know I can't do all I need to do without God's divine hand and guidance...isn't that exactly where He wants us? Of course it is...apart from Him, we can do nothing...with Him, all things are possible...I'm counting on that promise as I launch my new business: House of Style...that's my business name as of today...of course, that could always change....I am a woman, ya know! :) check out their website www.etcetera.com

Don't settle for less than God's best. . .

Before I surrendered my life, back in 2003, I was content to accept whatever came my way...as if ANYTHING was better than nothing. Especially in the area of dating. After a very difficult divorce where my reputation, integrity and any remaining sense of self worth was stripped away, the first person to show any interest in me quickly became the possible "one!"....Oh, how deceived I was. I look back on those times and laugh out loud at myself because I was desperate in some ways, yet wanted to prove my independence in so many other ways.

It wasn't just the divorce that caused me to settle for less than God's best, it was decades of emotional trauma suffered at the hands of well-meaning parents, family members, and acquaintances that have passed through my life in different seasons. I grew up feeling "different" than others...and not in a good way. I thought I was strange, weird, even...so to accept whatever came my way, even if it wasn't something good for me, still seemed better than having nothing come my way at all.

But something drastically changed when I surrendered my life to Jesus in 2003. I CHANGED DRASTICALLY! I became a new person, just like 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Anyone who is in Christ is a new creation, the old life has passed away, behold, all things have become new!" So in my newness, my desires changed....especially my desires for a spouse. I no longer wanted the toughest guy to protect me because I now had the best protector of all~Jesus! He is my Rock and my Refuge in times of trouble! I no longer thought I needed someone who made lots of money to provide for me because I now had the Ultimate Provider in Jesus...He supplies ALL my needs according to God's will for my life.

As I found my new Husband in Jesus, during those days of singleness after my divorce, I realized I'd been looking at all the wrong places and people for a spouse. As I delighted myself in Him, He gave me the desires of my heart. Which brings me to this point: He created my heart so He knows the desires of my heart better than I do! I'd much rather Jesus pick my spouse based on the desires He put in my heart, than me pick my spouse based on my fleshly desires!

So, at the request of a counselor, I listed 12 characteristics I desired in my spouse. The first of which was that he have a relationship with Jesus, ALREADY! I didn't have to drag him to church, stuff a Bible in his face or place his hands together to pray...He already did all of that on his own. That was a big deal to me. I knew from experience that I can't change anyone, especially anyone who doesn't want to change at all. I'm not the Holy Spirit...so I needed this person to already have these qualities about him. There were several other qualities I listed...but this first one was most important, (next to loving Shorty almost as much as me.)

When I met Gary Wells, it was God's perfect timing. Had I met him even a month sooner, I might have been too fearful to pursue the idea of dating him. But as God always does...He times everything perfectly. Nothing was forced between us. We continued to pursue each other at the same pace and it was peaceful at every turn. There were a few bumps in the road as we dealt with issues we'd never dealt with before, but we got through them together....supporting each other and never at odds with each other.

And despite all the horrid details of my past that I had to reveal to Gary before we got engaged, He never condemned me and never throws my past up in my face-EVER. He continues to be my earthly redeemer....much as Jesus is our Heavenly Redeemer. Our marriage is not perfect by any means, but we are on the same team all the time. I don't want to hurt him and he doesn't want to hurt me....so we don't.

God created marriage from the beginning. He knows how it's supposed to work. Seek Him about marriage no matter where you are in the process: single, divorced, engaged, or married....He is the Great Teacher on marriage. Done the way it was created to be, it's the most beautiful gift between two people on Earth. :)

Somewhere In Between . . .

I'm a step mom to two adult children...most of you know that. The past two weekends have been significant for me as a step-mom. First, was "Mother's Day" which always brings with it such strange emotions for me. Not only as a step mom, but as a daughter who's lost her mom, too. Because my two step children lost their mom to breast cancer as well, I always wonder if we're feeling some of the same things on that day. But wait! I'm now a step-mom on Mother's Day, so that puts me somewhere in between....(hence, the title of this post.) :) This year, I was so blessed to receive a sweet gift from Bree and Daniel (my son-in-law.) I was so touched by their thoughtfulness and the selection of the gift...it was SO me!

The other significant occasion was this past weekend; Britton graduated from Texas A&M! A huge feat for him and he did very well. We celebrated his great accomplishment with food, fun and fellowship and had a great time this past weekend. When I looked at the picture taken, I thought, "You don't seem like a step-mom...you seem more like a "buddy."

On the plane ride back home this past weekend, it occurred to me that I am not completely comfortable with the title "step mom" because I feel somewhere in between. I became a step mom when I married Gary four years ago and Bree was 21 and Britton was 18. The problem I had was NO EXPERIENCE being a mom of any kind, except of course, to Shorty Danielle, my precious miniature dachshund. But that really doesn't help with adult children. :)

During the past four years, I've tried too hard, not tried hard enough and made many mistakes along the way at this "step mom" thing. Thankfully, two years in, I read Ron Deal's book, The Smart Step-Family and was most enlightened which gave me hope that I hadn't totally messed everything up for our future! :)

But here's something else I've discovered this past weekend that gives me hope, understanding and some grace.....I AM somewhere in between....I have not ever been a "mother" to a person and therefore, don't really know what that is like. I've not had the greatest example for a mother since mine left when I was seven. So, feeling somewhere in between "step mom and friend" is perfectly okay. Sometimes I act silly, as if I'm 25 again when Bree and I are shopping and I think, "You should act more like a parental figure." Ha! That's just not me. I realize that "step-mom" does hold some authority to it, but in reality, Bree and Britton are adults and able to make their own decisions. If they want advice, they'll ask for it...otherwise, I think I'll remain "somewhere in between" because it seems to be where I fit best.

I highly recommend Ron Deal's books, The Smart Step-Family and The Smart Step-Mom...both are incredible resources for a blended family. You can get them at successfulstepfamilies.com or .org....

I am blessed to have the family I have...not only the one I was born with, but also the one God gave me later in life.

"Every good and perfect gift comes from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, Who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17 :)

Two things. . .Culture and Time

The past week has been a great one with a couple of outstanding "revelations" and we know...with revelation comes freedom and I'm all about some freedom! I'm reading Beth Moore's book: So Long, Insecurity...and it is fabulous! One thing that really hit me and it's so "elementary", but anyway, I really got it when I read it in her book...Insecurities come from places where we might not have had any control over the situation, i.e. abandonment, rejection, early loss, etc....but two places it comes from that we DO have control over is Culture and our Pride! (Yuk! The "P" word again!) The culture issue really struck me because of certain things I do and the ways I think...which play right into the whole insecurity thing. For example, I used to love watching Access Hollywood, Entertainment Tonight, etc...etc... Deep down in my soul was a lie from the enemy that went something like this..."If you don't become SOMEONE, like THEM (meaning Hollywood and famous), your life will have no significance." Yes, it's true, I have heard that lie for many years deep in my soul. As a young girl, I wanted to be an actress or model and now I realize that something inside of me feels insignificant if I'm not out there in front of everyone! Yes, pride is rooted in that issue as well. So, one thing Beth suggested is to "fast" from these things that we do that involve "culture"....such as...stop watching those Hollywood news shows, etc. Also, I've had this obsession with my hair for the past five years....and I do mean OBSESSION! Not in a good way, either. I have spent oodles of money on hair style magazines now for over 5 years looking for the perfect "cut." I've been completely dissatisfied with every style I've had for some time now b/c it's not THE perfect style, compared to ALL those gorgeous women in the magazines!....Oh my goodness! So, I'm fasting those shows on TV and I'm fasting those hair style magazines and do you know what? I DO feel much better about myself! Beth said I would and she was sure right! I'm not comparing myself to airbrushed perfection and coming up short every time anymore and it is quite liberating to say the least! So, that's my "culture" spill.

Now for the Time issue. I've been a Housewife Extraordinaire for the past year and a half and I've had much trouble trying to balance out my day, my schedule and my priorities. So much so, it has caused depression and oppression over the past few months. I know I should be delighted to be living the life I dreamed of, but my joy was missing and I couldn't figure out why. Well, I finally got on my knees so I could hear a little better and lo and behold, did God have something to say....OUch!!! He gently expressed to me that I had made "Time" my idol and had been worshipping it, hoarding it and ultimately, always coming up short with it. He said if I'd seek Him first, He would add to my time and increase it as well as my joy! But I first must come to Him to get full to overflowing. God has also helped me figure out a schedule to keep me from feeling like a ping-pong ball in a national tournament! I realize these revelations are so elementary, but I tell you what, the enemy is constantly lurking around to get us off track and he's so subtle. I'm completely headed for Canada when I wanted to go to Houston!! Well, no more of that! I have my GPS (God's Providential Services) tuned in to His will for my life and despite the 70 mile an hour wind today, I have much joy to give! (Normally, just a 40 mile an hour wind would zapfu my joy.)

So, having said all that...I hope you find something that you can relate to and apply to your life. We're all in this thing called "life" together, til we get to the BIG PARTY! Be blessed! :)

New Mercies. . .

Well, after my last post, I've sat down and had some really good "time" with God regarding my attitude, etc. Thank goodness His mercies are new every morning, no matter what yesterday looked like!

After having lunch yesterday with a dear friend of mine, and hearing her explanation, it made it seem so simple.... I have a wound that has not completely been healed and what happened the other day, bumped up against that wound and it hurt. The good news is this.. I recognized almost immediately that this needed some God-Attention and I went to Him with it. Thankfully, I didn't lash out at anyone while in my hurt and anger phase. Another bit of good news is this: when something causes such a reaction....tend to it. There is some underlying wound there that needs God's healing touch and only He can heal it...no one or no thing can heal that wound. Don't waste time trying to rationalize, justify or anesthetize it either. I tried all that for many years and nothing worked...nothing, that is, until I surrendered my life to God.

I've learned over the past few years that God heals in different ways...sometimes immediately and completely, sometimes He peels back the layers of our wounds a little at a time and heals them that way. However His method, know it's for your own good how He chooses to heal us. He created me and knows me better than I know myself...so I'm going to leave all that up to Him and His perfect ways.

Having said all that, I'm delighted to say, that today is a better day than two days ago and I'm so grateful. I'm also grateful for what I've learned in the past two days and that whether I have a good day or a bad day, God remains the same. His love for me never changes....whether I'm laughing, crying, or yelling....He loves me just the same. THAT my friend, is some good news! :)

"The Lord is full of compassion and MERCY." James 5:11 NIV

The "Funk. . ."

Ahh, The "Funk." Do you know what I'm talking about? It's that feeling that comes over me, completely unannounced and from left field....It seems to overtake me, and always by surprise. It's the claw that grabs my ankle, just when I think I've escaped it's grip....The "Funk" is when my hormones start doing their thing in my body. Physically, I can feel this veil-like oppression come over me and it is very dark in nature. The funk could very well be the thorn in my side that I've asked God to remove from me many times, yet, to no avail.

When the Funk comes, I just want to crawl under the covers and hide from everyone and everything. I don't feel like talking to people, in person or on the phone or even by email. What's weird is that I can get up of a morning and the Funk isn't there, but somehow, somewhere in the middle of my day, it just comes over me.

Today was that day. I got up, did some things around the house and got ready to meet a friend for Birthday celebration lunch....as it is still the month of April and I am still celebrating the birthday! :) All seemed well, except for the wind blowing 50 miles an hour! Then, I headed over to the nursing home to handle a situation that has come up with my Aunt Brenda. Nothing major, just something that needed handling.

Then, I got a message from my sister Tanya requesting my help in finding a storage building for my Aunt's belongings from their home in Sunray, per our cousin, Shelby in Sunray...and BAM! The funk came on me like white on rice! I realized after talking to myself and others, out-loud, in my car, that I am angry about something and need to ask God for His help on handling this situation. So, I came home and got my journal out and started telling Him all about it, (as if He didn't already know.) Wow! There is some pent-up anger in my heart towards this situation and I'm just not sure what to do with it. I figured the anger was the open door for the Funk to come through....and here I sit, writing about it.

You know why I'm writing about this on my blog? Because it's REAL to me right now. I would seem "white-washed" if all I ever talked about was how wonderful life is and never revealed some of those days where the "funk" is all over me, like today. Another reason I'm sharing this "out-loud" is because I am not ashamed to say, (anymore), that I might have some anger left over from some situations that happened years ago. I feel completely free to express that because I AM FREE TO SAY THE TRUTH! Another thing that comes to my mind is BOUNDARIES! Boundaries are such a good thing---IF EXERCISED. Left un-exercised, they are completely useless! It's interesting to me how I exercise my right to set boundaries and how I don't....with certain people. Hmm? What am I afraid of? If I set some boundaries with someone....are they going to be upset? Well, probably, but I haven't done anything to hurt them....I am just drawing a line around my life to protect myself. However, at one point in my life, I didn't feel I had the right to draw a line around my life and protect myself. I thought everyone had complete access to me at ALL times....no matter what! Just because of WHO they were! Ha! What a misconception to not utilize a healthy boundary.

Goodness, I best stop writing for now. My blood pressure is rising as my fingers tap along this keyboard expressing what's in my heart. I best go seek the Lord's face and find out how to get to the bottom of this, do some more forgiving and give this situation to the Lord so I don't allow the door to remain open and the enemy to continue sneaking in...


. . .till next time . .

Stop "doing" and start "receiving. . ."

Precious words from God the other day at Bible study. Hmm? Seems I've heard those words from Him before in my lifetime. Why is it so hard to receive? Do you also have that problem? I have such a "doer" mentality that I can't seem to stop myself from doing! I know I've mentioned this before, but I go from room to room starting new little projects and forget what the last project was in the previous room until I stumble back in there and see it! "Oh, I forgot I was even working on that!" I really crack myself up sometimes.

So, the other day, while in the luxurious moment of peace with God Himself. . . I clearly heard Him say, "Dawn, stop "doing" and start "receiving" from Me. I have so much I want to give you, but you are so busy, that I can't give it to you. The things I want to give you are peace of mind, a restful spirit and a renewal that only comes from moments of Sabbath with Me." Ohhhh! How I wish I wasn't wired the way I am at times. When I run into people who are just relaxed, slower talking and at ease---I'm envious! Not a really bad envy, but envy all the same.

However, I must also realize that God made me the way I am for a reason. The other day, while visiting with my friend, the word, "high-strung" was mentioned. Now, I personally don't like the feeling I get with that phrase, high-strung. It has a negative meaning to me. But to her, it meant someone who gets things done...the person to ask if you want to get it done! Hmm? I guess that was okay, having said it like that.

But still....God spoke to me, I have no doubt. There's a reason for what He said and I will take it to heart. It won't be easy, but I do believe it's necessary. I want to become the kind of person that people like to be around, not because I get things done, but because I'm pleasant to be around....at
ease....relaxed....peaceful. I know I can only be those things with God's help because left to my own doing, I would go 9-0 24/7. This weekend, I'm going to enjoy everything. I'm going to sit down and read, not just right before I go to bed, but at other times as well. I'm going to just sit and ponder too. I know that won't be easy, but I'm going to try it. We'll see how this goes. :)

In the meantime, I pray you have a blessed weekend, enjoy the moments in time of "nothingness and peace."

:)

We're Moved!!

The older I get, the harder it gets to move. Did I mention that moving is on my Top-Ten List of all-time things I don't like to do...as NUMBER 1? Ooooohhh! It was hard and it did not help that I had agreed, way in advance, to MC the Downtown Women's Center Spring Luncheon! Talk about lunch....that whole week just about ate my sack lunch. Hmm? I feel I'm repeating myself from a previous post, so let me move on....

So, after bringing over about 20 car loads BEFORE the movers came on Friday, it still took them 10 hours to get everything over here. THAT'S RIDICULOUS! I had cleaned out closets, cabinets~everything! Thankfully, my mother in law, Jerre, helped me clean the old house to spotless, so when my sister, Terri, got here, we could focus on the new house and unpacking boxes. I am so thankful for the help I got along the way.....there really was no way I could have done all that alone. Two really are better than one and it definitely lightens the load and makes the unbearable...bearable.

Terri and I unpacked box after box after box. She stayed on me, or I would have sat down and passed out. She is a "mover and a shaker" when it comes to getting things like this done, so I was so blessed to have her help til Wednesday.

One thing I've noticed, even though we've moved into a little bit bigger house is this....I still have to find the right place for things I use, especially things I use everyday and that has not been easy. It's funny how you live somewhere for four years and don't realize how habitual you are until you move and shake everything up! It feels so odd now getting ready in the morning b/c nothing is where it used to be or where I reach for it. I have to relearn some things and re-memorize where I've placed things...lately, I've had to open at least three cabinets or drawers to find one thing...lol! That kind of reminds me of when I surrendered my life to Jesus, for real, 7 years ago.....things were different on a daily basis. I had to relearn how to think when certain things happened. I had memorize God's Word in order to learn a new mantra that went on in my head 24/7 about who I am now as opposed to who I WAS!
2 Cor. 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, behold, all things are made new.....

I love that verse. It has become my new mantra. I didn't have it memorized the first time I said it, but over time, with practice, it has become a brand new thought. It has replaced many of the older thoughts.....I needed that desparately to over come my past. God's Word delivers.

Today, most importantly, I realize how blessed I am and I am so thankful...not just to have moved into a beautiful home. That is wonderful...but its so temporal, but to have two wonderful sisters, an amazing husband who understands me, fabulous in-laws whom I adore, a daughter and son in love and a son in law who are wonderful and some friends that have become like family as well.

I'm overwhelmed with gratefulness for the people in my life....life is not meant to be lived alone.

Here's our new address: 7813 Greenbriar Dr. Amarillo, TX 79119

Be so blessed today!! :)

Fresh Anointing

Gary and I are in the middle of a move and it has just about eaten my sack lunch. "Moving" is the #1 thing on my Top-Ten list of what I dislike most! So, you can see where this has eaten my sack lunch. There are others things pulling and tugging at me as well, some good, some not so good. Needless to say, I feel I've been so far away from Jesus and all His goodness. I have felt really "ugly" on the inside the past few weeks and couldn't seem to shake it. You know in the summer time, when there's that one pesky fly that keeps coming back to you? You wave it away, and it's gone for a few seconds, then it's right back in your face? Well, that is how I've felt lately with depression and internal "ugliness"....I just have had no joy despite the fact that we are moving to our "dream" house-the one we'll be in until Bree and Britton pack us up and send us to the nursing home...:) Yet, joy and excitement has been replaced with a heaviness and a lack of zeal.

So, today, I'm praying, but still not feeling any closer to Jesus than I have in the past few weeks, when all of a sudden, I heard Him say, "Put on a garment of praise." Put on a garment of Praise! What a novel idea! I jumped out of bed, and went to the living room where my IPod is and turned it on. The song that started was "Hungry (Falling on my Knees)"...I did just that. The tears started rolling down my cheeks. Finally, some feeling was coming back into my heart. The song says, "I am empty, but I know Your love does not run dry..." I have been so dry lately I thought I was going to blow away with all the wind we've had. Slowly, but surely, Jesus and I reconnected with a song of praise.

The next song that played was "I Am Free!"...my absolute favorite praise song for many reasons! When this song came on, I stood up, started dancing, praising and weeping uncontrollably. Not tears of sadness, but tears of joy, relief, and freedom. I felt like myself again. The heaviness was gone, the joy returned.

I say all of this for one reason: the Word is true and alive today. When God says, "Put on a garment of praise to rid ourselves of heaviness," He is telling us the truth. IT WORKS! PRAISE GOD! Have the most fabulously, blessed day possible friend! :) Isaiah 61:3

Dying to Self. . .

It seems everyone has that one thing they don't like about their bodies....yes, I have more than one thing...but, do we also have that one (or two) things that we don't like about our personalities? Sure...we're human. I think my only saving grace is that I'm made in the image of God...but passed that, I sometimes wonder if we're kin at all!

That one thing I've been struggling with all my life, but especially as of late, is "selfishness." Predominately, selfishness with my time. Some may ask, "how is that possible? You're a "housewife for goodness sakes!" Ahh, that's where selfishness can really rear it's ugly head, I'm discovering. Time is such a precious commodity in anyone's life, no matter what your profession or calling is. Time is precious because once passed, we can never regain those moments again. That very thought has been such a two-edged sword for me the past few weeks as my two Aunts have come into my life in such a way, that it's causing me to be face-to-face with my selfishness with time. The good thing about all of this, is that I believe God is trying to get at something in me that's not working for my life: selfishness.



I've had to spend some daunting hours in waiting rooms this past week as my Aunts visited different doctors they need to see for check-ups. Thankfully, nothing is seriously wrong with either of them, but four hours for doctor visits in one week seemed ridiculous! However, I can look back on the week and smile because I was there with them while they entertained the people in the waiting room. :)

My aunt, Brenda, age 68, going on 89, is truly a habitual complainer....literally, about every 7 seconds, another complaint comes flying off her lips. Sometimes, I wish I could grab them the minute they leave the launch pad of her tongue, but she's too quick. She's been at this for a while. The funny, (crazy) thing is, while I'm sitting there somewhat red-tinted from embarrassment, she literally has several people engaged in her half-hour comedy act! Her social ineptness allows her to speak so honestly, loudly and socially unacceptably-that, people are just laughing out loud at her and with her. All the while, she admits to them she is "certifiably crazy!"

It's nice to be able to laugh about this now, but at the time...I was sweating bullets at the fear of what M-16 Bomber might launch off her tongue! Her sister, Margie, who is 86, just sits by her, shaking her head back and forth and every now and then, will throw a right arm punch at Brenda for saying something she shouldn't have...Margie has a tendency to hit people as an act of love. When Dr. Soya came into her room to see her, he went over and held out his hand to shake hers, all the while, joking with her and she punches him right in the arm and laughs hysterically at herself. I was the one shaking my head back and forth. [One of these days, I'm going to video some of these hilarious moments and upload them right onto this blog!]

Okay, so back to the selfish part of me that I'm trying to get rid of...there are so many things I try to get done in a day and inevitably, I get sidetracked. So, time is so precious to me and I'm selfish with it. I fear I'm going to run out of time and not achieve all that I need to achieve. Ahhhh....another form of selfishness erupts! All that I need to achieve? Hmm? I find myself struggling with time and hoarding time so I can do what I want to do....not what God wants me to do. There's the key. When I am doing what God has called me to do, I have all the time I need. I don't run out of the precious commodity. It's when I'm trying to accomplish something of my own that I feel the burden of not enough time.

I will not have any regrets of spending this time with my aunts, especially after their time is up and all I'll have is a memory of some of the most challenging and hilarious moments I've lived lately.

"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

I don't need more time; I need less of me and more of Him! That is usually the case whenever I struggle with anything.

What Do I REALLY Believe?

This is one of those posts that is really just me thinking out loud....well, aren't all posts? lol :) Gary and I are watching the Truth Project, a DVD series produced by Focus on the Family and it is amazing! If you aren't familiar with it, I highly recommend you look it up at www.truthproject.org or www.thetruthproject.org

Having watched one of the videos this afternoon, a lingering question keeps running through my mind: "What do I really believe?" About God, about life, about faith...but mostly about God. My first response is that I believe the Bible is true and is God's Word to us, His children. So, if I believe the Bible is true, do I really believe that all the time? And if so, why do I act contradictory to what it says? Seriously, there are some wonderful promises and the New Testament holds THE GOOD NEWS, so why do I have days where I worry and fret? Why am I fearful of failure, disappointing others, or not living up to my purpose?

So, all day, I've been asking myself this question, "what do I really believe?" I think in asking myself that question over and over, I've come to the conclusion that the way I respond and act to life is truly how I exhibit what I believe. I want to be the "real deal"...not just when I'm standing up in front of a group giving my testimony; and not when I'm having a conversation with another "on-fire" believer. I want to be the "real deal" the minute I open my eyes in the morning. I want to be the real deal, when the first thought races through my mind upon awaking. I want to be the real deal when I'm dressing to go see the world. I want to be the real deal while I blog this post.

Being the real deal to me is truly following my beliefs with no fear. Believing what the Bible says, without any question. Knowing in my heart that when I die, I will go to Heaven...no ifs, ands or buts... and everything in between...such as, God will meet my needs no matter what. He is my rock and my refuge and I have no reason to fear-ANYTHING! He knows the plans He has for me and they are good and prosperous...nothing will happen in my future from God that will harm me. God wants me to have the desires of my Heart as I delight myself in Him. Now, I realize this may sound "elementary", but the truth is....how we act truly depicts what we believe! So, when I'm worried about some trivial or even non-trivial thing, or when I'm judging something or someone, or when I don't trust God with the big events or small events of my life...what am I REALLY believing at that moment? Those are the times I need to get in "check" with myself.

So, being the analytical person that I am...I can "think" something to death. In an effort not to do that with the question I've posed above...I'll leave it at this:

I believe God's Word is true and living and is my guide for the life He has for me. I believe His Word is THE absolute Truth and I believe it with all my heart. I will not allow distraction or deception to come between the Truth and my heart. Amen to that!

Housewife Discrimination

Well, I'm still on my "Housewife" soap box, but tonight, I come from a different angle. My dear friend, "Jane", (name has been changed to protect the innocent :)) has been discriminated against in her work place....at least, in my opinion, she has.

Jane is a mother of two, a wife and an extremely hard-working paralegal up in the eastern parts of America. For as long as I've known Jane, she has worked very hard at succeeding as a mother, friend, and employee. She's been married for the past five years and has worked full-time+ for many years, but decided to add to her family by having a precious boy. Now a toddler, all this time, Jane has worked part-time since her return to work. Her female employer was all in favor of this new schedule and seemingly understood Jane's desire to work part-time now as she had a little one at home.

Her employer's firm is merging with another firm and the new firm will not allow any employees to work part-time! Okay, I guess it's any employers prerogative, but come on! This is 2010, for goodness sakes! It seems America has become flexible in every area of its entire "being", ...so surely, having a part-time employee wouldn't be such a stretch.....one would think...

Here's where I think "discrimination" comes in....in my opinion, God first, family second, self third, world...next. Now, I know not everyone would agree with God first....that's just another thing America has become too flexible about....but couldn't everyone agree family should be at the very top of the list? Look at the breakdown of the family since women have entered the work force...hmm? Look at the divorce rate over the past 50 years in connection with the "women's rights movements" etc. Sounds crazy that I, a woman, would mention that in a negative light...My own mom was a member of the NOW group back in the '80's. I completely agree with equality in the work place, but I have to say, if a woman wants to divide her time between raising her children and taking care of her husband AND working part-time...well LET HER! An employer doesn't even have to pay benefits on a part-time employee...but to declare NO part-time employment when an employee has been successfully completing her work is flat-out discrimination to me.

You think there's any Special Interest groups lobbying for her in Washington? Or even to her State Representative? Nope...not a chance. Any person who did that might be deemed a fool....but God has something to say about that...

1 Corinthians 1:27 (New Living Translation)

Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And He chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful.

So, we silent, powerless housewives tarry on in our "unglamourous" positions as we care for our husbands, our children and our homes. Ha! I am anything BUT silent and I find my life quite glamorous...in its own special way. I've been in Corporate America and it was definitely not what I was called to do. I've been in sales and loved it, but knew, deep down, that I longed to be a housewife. Now, not many woman would ever admit that...but I have loved taking care of my husband, my home, my family and myself. There are days, as with any job, that it gets stressful and feels like its never all done from morning to bedtime. However, I wouldn't trade this time for anything. So, to my friend Jane who is looking at the crossroad ahead, I want to encourage her that God will give her the grace to complete the work she's doing. Since she's made the decision to NOT go back to work full time as the new employer demands...her life will take a different turn for sure....God will be there every step of the way. I am so excited to see what God has planned for her next chapter....no doubt, it will be more exciting, adventurous and fulfilling than anything she can dream....just let Him drive! :)
Tootles....
Your Happy Housewife :)

Hi. . .What do you do?

I wonder how many times I've been asked that question. How about you? How many times in your lifetime have you been asked that question? Too many to count (or remember, for sure!) I love the different looks and reactions I've gotten over the past year when someone has asked, "Hi, and what do you do?" I reply, in an almost sheepish way, "I'm a housewife." Oh really? Then as conversations progress, the ultimate question always comes...."...so what do you do to keep busy?" AS IF I don't have enough to keep busy!

In an attempt to better understand why I seem out of time every day...I asked God to help me become a better time manager so I can get done what I feel is most important. What I feel the Lord showed me today, is that I have not taken my job seriously (probably because most people in today's society don't either.) Therefore, I would put my "job duties" on the back burner as I ran around trying to do all that others asked of me. (Yes, I've been around this mountain in a similar way before.)

What I realized today is that God assigned me to this position of Housewife. In my quiet time, He has made it very clear that my first priority (after Him, of course) is Gary, our home and all that entails. For me, that is every bit a full-time job. For instance, today, I awoke early and made Gary his protein shake, rested another hour. Got up and did P90X work-out for an hour. Vacuumed the house, showered, listened to phone messages, returned calls, read texts, and replied. Finished getting ready, straightening up the house then off to the Bank, Wal-mart, the mail box. Back home to unload groceries. Gathered Shorty up to take her to the vet for her yearly shots. Stopped by United for Allernon, (Walmart doesn't carry it.) Took clothes to the cleaners, went by the nursing home to see Margie and Brenda. Got Brenda's list for my next visit of things she needs. Came home, returned more phone calls. Ate a bowl of Special K cereal (for an early dinner)....

Now, that seems like a normal day, but what I've found is this: I can get so side-tracked so easily it isn't funny. It seems the slightest distraction and I'm off in a whole new direction. I've decided after my visit with God today that I am going to consider my position of "Housewife" much more important and serious....just like those who "clock in and receive a paycheck." Maybe if I consider this position more important...it will naturally become a priority and all other things can wait or get scheduled in where I can fit them.

I needed to figure all this out because I had reached a point where I had lost my joy in being a housewife and that is what I've dreamed of being to the man of my dreams! The enemy had figured out a way to steal that joy and I'm here to claim it all back! I realize the sole position of "housewife" is a dying occupation, but I feel strongly that God has called me to this position and so far, all God has assigned me to do has had utter importance to Him. I need to respect this position as much as any other job I've ever held.

"Stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." 1 Corinthians 15:58 :) Be blessed in whatever God has called you to do...

A Victorious Day. . .

I had the privilege of speaking today at a Women's luncheon by sharing my testimony. The organization, CWC, Christian Women's Connection, is a ministry that reaches out to share the Gospel of Jesus with women by having a luncheon. I'd attended their speaker/writer's workshop sometime last year and vowed to get my "talk" written by September 1st. I didn't make it. However, they contacted me in November and asked if I would give my talk at their February, 2010 luncheon. At first, I wasn't sure. To say, "Yes" would require a commitment on my part to complete my 25 minute talk in written form to be approved. God has such a great memory. In February, 2006, I had a dream that I was standing before women telling them about "surrendering my life" and how I "got off the fence". . .Four years later, to the month~ I stood before several women and shared those very thoughts.

If we've surrendered our life to Jesus~completely, we all have a story to tell. To me, there's nothing better than a good "before and after transformation." That's why I love TLC's "What Not To Wear" show so much. :) My story is much like that, a definite BEFORE and a definite AFTER. I much prefer the AFTER.

I felt so much peace today and even leading up to today about giving this talk. I'm honored that God could use the terrible mistakes, ridiculous beliefs, and dysfunctionality of my life to possibly help or bless another person in their own life.

I do pray of a morning, "God, let me be in the right place at the right time so You can use me today." God always delivers. Always. This morning, I specifically prayed that my testimony would plant at least 5 seeds today. From the feedback I received, I believe 5 seeds were planted, indeed. That truly makes my heart glad.

Today was a triumphant day. What the enemy intended to use to harm me, was put to Good use today for the Kingdom. I bet he's sorry he ever messed with me...:)

"They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death." Revelation 12:11 :)

Can "One" make a difference?

After a brainstorming meeting today at the Downtown Women's Center regarding our upcoming Spring Luncheon, I left asking myself the question, "Can one person really make a difference?" Our guest speaker is going to be Ron Hall, co-author of "Same Kind of Different As Me". His newest release, "What Difference Do It Make?" with Denver Moore, just hit the book shelves. If you haven't read these books, I urge you, for your own sake, to read them. They are life-changing books to read.

In discussing the homeless situation of our community, it just seems so overwhelming at times. To think of overcoming it is daunting to me. Plus, it's a way of life I don't fully understand because I've never been "homeless"...exactly, i.e. without a place to stay/live.

The government wants communities to come up with a 10-year plan to end homelessness....ha! I don't think they'd have the first clue.

So, in Ron and Denver's book, Ron addresses this issue...boldly. Count how many homeless families you have in your community and how many churches you have. The number of churches could easily out number the homeless families. So, what if each church "adopted" one homeless family...not to just hand them money, or give them food, but REALLY adopted them....like God adopted us? Could one family's life be changed? Love is powerful. Who better to adopt a homeless family than a church family? A body of Christ? I don't think just one person could do it...the task is too daunting, but a whole church body could definitely achieve this task....think about it? Whether it's a church with membership around 200 people or 2000 people.....it could most certainly be done! And why not? What do we have to lose? Nothing! But, what might we gain? Everything!

I don't know how this looks in an organized way, but I'm definitely pondering it. I know if this is something God wants us to go forward with, He will provide all the details...maybe, the charge will come at the luncheon...maybe before...all I know is. . . it CAN be done...with God, all things are possible. He tells us to take care of the poor. Are we? Really? Oh boy, I've been convicted! :)

My Compassion Returned. . .

You know the posts on my blog about frustration and the meltdown? Well, I was worried a bit that I'd started off the new year with such dismal posts and that worry lead to me to lots of prayer and searching about "what was going on with me?" Honestly, there was a period of about 30-45 days that I completely lost my compassion. That is a horrible feeling. I wouldn't say I"m the MOST compassionate person, but I am passionate and compassionate most of the time and to see that fade away slowly, right before my eyes, was, well...quite alarming and most disheartening...

When the earthquake hit in Haiti, I turned the news channel off. I didn't want to watch it and I felt no compassion. That is crazy!!! That was NOT me and I didn't know where I had gone. I cried out to God, "Lord, what is wrong with me? I"m not myself anymore and I don't know what's happened to my compassion and joy! Please help me find it again....I hate feeling this way." I prayed that prayer for several weeks, but nothing much changed. I went through a dry spell for about 10 days when I didn't read the Word, I didn't journal and I didn't spend any dedicated time with the Lord in prayer. I was in a season of drought, and my spirit was drying up. Without joy and compassion, my outlook seemed dismal, at best. . .

Til, last Friday. I took my Aunt Margie to see her sister, my Aunt Brenda, who was in the hospital in Dumas. It's a long story how she got there, and I won't go into that now....but anyway, Margie, Taylor, my nephew, and I drove up to Dumas for a visit. We all had a great visit for several hours....then all of a sudden, everything changed. Brenda was going to be transferred to a place for further evaluation in Pampa--that night! Margie was to go as well. Margie didn't want to go and began to fight against the idea of going. (I mean, literally FIGHT against the idea.) I could see the look in her eye when she glared at me...she knew I had something to do with all this and she was furious.

As it turned out, all of us, nieces and nephews had something to do with this...we wanted Margie and Brenda to stay together. We began to tell them of the transfer at 5:00 p.m.....they didn't leave the Dumas hospital until 12:30 a.m. to go to Pampa...Between 5 p.m. and 12:30 a.m., my compassion returned. I saw the sadness, despair and distrust in my Aunt Margie's eyes and it broke my heart. I felt so deceitful, even though I knew this was the best thing to do for both of them right then. Just the fact that my heart felt anything was amazing. My heart had been so hard and cold the past few weeks, that I was beginning to think I would never feel again.

At one point, I went out to the waiting room of the hospital to be alone and realized that God had answered my desperate prayer....He helped me find my compassion again and I was so grateful, indeed.

My aunts have adjusted okay to the new facility, which is just a temporary stop before we find long-term placement. I went to see them on Sunday and spent several hours with them and had a blast. I fixed Aunt Brenda's hair, which is a lot like mine....grey, frizzy and curly...I used a Chi flat iron on it and she had never seen her hair so sleek and shiny in all her life~I even put a little make-up on her....I think she really enjoyed the attention. I helped Margie and Brenda eat their dinners since they both had a little trouble with their left hands; Margie because of a stroke and Brenda because her right arm is broken and in a cast.

I don't ever want to lose my compassion again...but if I find myself in that situation...I know God is faithful to answer my prayer and help me discover the compassion that had never left me. Jesus is compassion. Jesus lives inside me. Compassion lives inside me. Good to know :)

Whole Again...

Well, I must say, it has been one long week without Gary here since a week ago, Saturday! I am so thankful he is home with me again. The first couple of days he was gone were quiet, and I was able to enjoy the "alone" time, as I am a bit of a "loner." However, after day 2, I began wondering around the house aimlessly in search of something that needed to be done....anything! I felt as if a part of me was missing. To make matters worse, I couldn't even talk to him by phone until Friday! Not only was he far away physically, (San Francisco)...I couldn't even hear his voice via cell phone. Then, by Tuesday, I"d taken ill and was not only feeling emotionally empty, but physically weak. I went to the doctor on Wednesday to nip that illness in the bud...and lo and behold, by Wednesday night, I had an allergy attack like none other! Seriously, every time I bent over...my nose and eyes began to leak like a faucet. I have never had allergies like that in my life and let me tell you...it was miserable!

While Gary was gone, I did get to catch up with a few girlfriends and that was very nice. I am thankful for my girlfriends and the time we got to spend together chatting, without feeling the need to get home quickly, or run to the store or cook dinner. I'm also thankful I didn't plan to accomplish any gigantic project like I usually do when Gary leaves town. It was all I could do to get a decent night's sleep this past week.

But today was fabulous. Gary got home last night, we went to dinner and both were tired and slept a great eight hours. He was off today for MLK Day, and I'm so thankful for that. We had such a good time today...went to the matinee' movie...The Book Of Eli...very good...go see it. Then I got to cook him a great meal...seared ribeyes in the dutch oven on the stove top (Julia's recipe), zucchini boats AND a new recipe...Bananas Foster! Oh my! It was good! This Bananas Foster recipe was one I saw on Paula Dean and just wrote down the ingredients and how she did it. Unbelievably easy and OH SO FABULOUS~TASTY! I will definitely be making that one again.

Time alone is good for a couple of days, but there's a reason God said, "...the two shall become one..." When half of me is gone for longer than two days....I am just not myself...not complete....not whole...We belong together and I'm thankful he's home. :)
Oh! And he surprised me big at the airport! He completely shaved off ALL his facial hair! (15 years growing...) I've never seen him without a moustache at least...He looks very young and handsome, indeed! ;)

Frustration

I am such a competitive person, it unnerves me sometimes. Most often, I'm competitive within myself. I honestly can't stand it when I can't figure something out. I will try and try and to no avail. Tonight, that "something" is Adobe Photoshop Elements! Grrr! The most frustrating thing is that earlier today, I had it figured out and this evening...nada...nothing....zilch! Total lock down in my head. Stumped and frustrated I sit here and write.

Over the years, I've learned that when I get to a place like this--total frustration--it's just best to stop what I'm trying to do, step back, take a deep breath and do something else---something that comes easy, to wash away that frustration. That's also when I start psycho-analyzining everything that just happened. My conversation might sound something like this with God, "Lord, what am I doing wrong? Why does this have to be so difficult? Why can't I figure this out? I did it earlier today?" etc. etc. As I continue to ask questions like that, and receive no clear answers...my questions change to something like this: "Okay, Lord, is this something you want me to stop doing right now? Is there something else you have for me at this time that might be less difficult? Is there something else I could be doing that pleases You?" etc. etc.

I've found, that I don't stay in that frustrated mode quite as long as I used to and I"m thankful for that. Sometimes, what I need to do is reach out and ask for help, which is not something I feel comfortable doing. My competitive nature comes busting up in my spirit and I think I MUST FIGURE THIS OUT ON MY OWN. I don't think that's God's idea of fellowship, but it's just how I am sometimes.

I needed to step away from the Photoshop program and enter into my "sanctuary" of writing (the blog) so I could release some frustration, vent, analyze and such. You know what? It helped! I'm not going to attempt the photoshop program again tonight. It's too late to be frustrated and try to go to sleep. No I'm content to sit here and type my thoughts and feelings into Cyberspace for all to see. :) (Hi Melissa :)))

The saving grace for me is that I'm enrolled in a Photoshop class at AC that begins next Wednesday and I can't wait! Maybe that's my way of reaching out for help. I need it! I feel confident I will master this program within three months...(oops! there goes that competitive side again.) Oh well, I guess we all need goals, right? :)

Humility and Pride

Hmm? So much could be said about the two words listed above. I bet if I asked 10 people "their" meaning of each word, perhaps I would receive 10 different definitions. Both words bring a strong emotional element when I hear them. I suppose that is because I'm paranoid of pride and in a never-ending search for humility.

Over the years, I've learned some interesting things about pride. How deceiving it can be; just how cunning it really is. That makes me even more paranoid of it! (not really, but, ok...kind of.) Pride is such a double-edged sword. We want to take pride in our children, our work, our family, etc...etc. Yet, the Bible clearly states that pride goes before destruction! No mincing those words, huh? So what's a person to do? How do we act accordingly? How do we keep "fleshly" pride at bay? It's not easy sometimes and I believe it's a tool the enemy uses on every person and every relationship under the sun.

That's where humility comes in. Not false humility, which I have certainly been guilty of. No, a spiritual humility that comes from a grateful heart towards God. When I think about where I USED to be, I get humble quickly. When I think about what Jesus did for me on the Cross, I get humbled instantly. These thoughts are what keep me looking up and not looking back. Oh, I've done my fair share of "looking back" with many regrets, but that's exhausting and got me no where fast. The only reason I look back now is to keep close to my heart what God did in my life about 7 years ago. I am a work in progress and always will be until Heaven. I'm thankful though, that in an instant-pride is dissolved with just a quick thought of where I was and who God is. Humility comes in like a flood and washes away that pride like a tide coming into shore. I love that. I'm grateful for that. :)

An Unexpected Meltdown...

It's the new year, the new decade, even! I have big hopes of doing some things differently and making 2010 a better year than 2009. I have to say, 2009 was a great year, so it won't be easy making it much better, but I intend to give it my best effort.

So, I get up today eager to accomplish all of my "to-do" list items. I awake with good energy from a great night's sleep, get Gary off to work and spend some quiet time reading God's Word and praying. So far, it seems like a great morning, but there seems to be this underlying "grrr" in my spirit. Do you know what I'm talking about? For me, it hits subtly about a week before "George" visits me. I try my hardest to keep the "grrr" under a lid, but it just exploded this morning!

I was working on an invitation for the Savior's Tear party coming up later this month. A dear friend had been working diligently on the invitation, but when she emailed it to me, some of the content/format was messed up and I couldn't use it. So, I quickly began forming one myself. The pressure seemed high because I need to get the document to Kinko's to get it printed to deliver to Nickki so she can put the labels on it. Needless to say, I was feeling immense pressure, frustration with my lack of computer/graphic abilities and then to top it off: I couldn't even get my flash drive to insert into the computer! I honestly thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown right then and there! Could anything else possibly go wrong in the matter of a few moments? This was NOT how I'd hoped to start off the new year and especially this day!

I was so angry, I yelled, and screamed for God to help me. I don't think I've been that mad or frustrated in such a long time, it worried me that I was able to get to upset over something so small. My only saving grace is that no one was around to hear the tantrum that I threw--thank goodness!

After my cries to the Lord to HELP ME PLEASE!!!! I stopped for a moment and just sat there, quietly-waiting to hear from the Lord. The files that I needed that were on the flash disk, were also on my computer-I didn't need to mess with the flash disk any longer. So, I got up and sat in the chair calmly and searched my computer and found all the files I needed. I continued on with the document and completed the task at hand.

Now, my analytical self is wondering where all that frustration and anger came from? I don't just get angry and blow up so there must be a root to all of that. I don't have the answer to that question yet, but I'm searching what God has to say. I felt horrible at the way I was acting and asked God to please forgive me. He has and I feel His forgiveness.

I like to be in control of myself and not "loose it", but I guess there are just times a person has to let off some built up steam. Maybe now that it's "out"....I can just go on about my day-grateful that God heard my prayer and my cries for help just when I needed Him the most. Whewww! Thank You, Lord! There will be trials and tribulations for us, but the best thing for me is to cry out to the Lord and then wait to hear what He says. I'm thinking I burned some serious calories during that little outburst, which is the "good" that comes from that! :)