Depression and Perfection. . .

I just need to write here today.  Although its difficult for me to admit that I'm having a hard time because it seems my "job" is to always be up and cheerful and healthy.  Well, the past few days I've not felt so well, seasonal stuff, but it really gets me down to not feel well.  But there is such a two-edged sword here that I'm dealing with:  1) I feel my role is to be Gary's healthy wife, so 2) what do I do if I'm having a bad health day?  Can you believe I'm having such a hard time with that?  I believe what I'm dealing with here is a root of perfection.  Not a stranger to me at all.  I thought that root had been pulled up, but that was another "P" word=Performance! :)

I despise how the enemy can torment me when I don't feel well.  Literally DESPISE it!  Because I haven't felt well, the enemy comes in like a flood and with one big swoop, tries to convince me that I'm no good AT ALL!  Does he ever do that to you?  So, by the end of the day, I don't feel well physically, and I don't feel well emotionally either.  In fact, the spirit of depression has settled in to make a home right on top of me!  Depression is a coy thing to me.  I realize hormones, physical activity, food we eat, etc...all play a part in the effects of depression, but I also believe it has a spiritual root as well.  Especially if one leaves a door open for it to come on in.

I'd like today to be a better day than yesterday.  However, I feel weak physically and emotionally--meaning, I can't do it on my own.  I must surrender this to the Lord and allow His Holy Spirit to take over me in every aspect.  I pray He takes every thought captive and align them with His will.  I pray for a grateful attitude despite how I "feel"....the reality is:  I am a child of the most High King, the God of the Universe, a Royal Priest....with God for me, who can be against me?  Not satan...he's nothing to God and me.  But here's the deal, I have to allow myself the freedom to have a "bad" day and not feel the pressure to have "perfect" days...That's just too much to live up to.  God is perfect...I'm not!