My Compassion Returned. . .

You know the posts on my blog about frustration and the meltdown? Well, I was worried a bit that I'd started off the new year with such dismal posts and that worry lead to me to lots of prayer and searching about "what was going on with me?" Honestly, there was a period of about 30-45 days that I completely lost my compassion. That is a horrible feeling. I wouldn't say I"m the MOST compassionate person, but I am passionate and compassionate most of the time and to see that fade away slowly, right before my eyes, was, well...quite alarming and most disheartening...

When the earthquake hit in Haiti, I turned the news channel off. I didn't want to watch it and I felt no compassion. That is crazy!!! That was NOT me and I didn't know where I had gone. I cried out to God, "Lord, what is wrong with me? I"m not myself anymore and I don't know what's happened to my compassion and joy! Please help me find it again....I hate feeling this way." I prayed that prayer for several weeks, but nothing much changed. I went through a dry spell for about 10 days when I didn't read the Word, I didn't journal and I didn't spend any dedicated time with the Lord in prayer. I was in a season of drought, and my spirit was drying up. Without joy and compassion, my outlook seemed dismal, at best. . .

Til, last Friday. I took my Aunt Margie to see her sister, my Aunt Brenda, who was in the hospital in Dumas. It's a long story how she got there, and I won't go into that now....but anyway, Margie, Taylor, my nephew, and I drove up to Dumas for a visit. We all had a great visit for several hours....then all of a sudden, everything changed. Brenda was going to be transferred to a place for further evaluation in Pampa--that night! Margie was to go as well. Margie didn't want to go and began to fight against the idea of going. (I mean, literally FIGHT against the idea.) I could see the look in her eye when she glared at me...she knew I had something to do with all this and she was furious.

As it turned out, all of us, nieces and nephews had something to do with this...we wanted Margie and Brenda to stay together. We began to tell them of the transfer at 5:00 p.m.....they didn't leave the Dumas hospital until 12:30 a.m. to go to Pampa...Between 5 p.m. and 12:30 a.m., my compassion returned. I saw the sadness, despair and distrust in my Aunt Margie's eyes and it broke my heart. I felt so deceitful, even though I knew this was the best thing to do for both of them right then. Just the fact that my heart felt anything was amazing. My heart had been so hard and cold the past few weeks, that I was beginning to think I would never feel again.

At one point, I went out to the waiting room of the hospital to be alone and realized that God had answered my desperate prayer....He helped me find my compassion again and I was so grateful, indeed.

My aunts have adjusted okay to the new facility, which is just a temporary stop before we find long-term placement. I went to see them on Sunday and spent several hours with them and had a blast. I fixed Aunt Brenda's hair, which is a lot like mine....grey, frizzy and curly...I used a Chi flat iron on it and she had never seen her hair so sleek and shiny in all her life~I even put a little make-up on her....I think she really enjoyed the attention. I helped Margie and Brenda eat their dinners since they both had a little trouble with their left hands; Margie because of a stroke and Brenda because her right arm is broken and in a cast.

I don't ever want to lose my compassion again...but if I find myself in that situation...I know God is faithful to answer my prayer and help me discover the compassion that had never left me. Jesus is compassion. Jesus lives inside me. Compassion lives inside me. Good to know :)