Okay, so fast forward to this past weekend. I out- did myself on "Date Night" and I must share with you. Gary's schedule causes us to go so much and we travel together for bank business, but it's just not the same as a good, ole' fashioned, Date Night. So, this past week, I tried my hand at searing a ribeye steak in my Dutch oven on the stove top. One of Julia's recipes, of course. I really had no idea how it might turn out, but to my surprise, and Gary's-the steak was outstanding! I cooked it on Tuesday night and Gary was so pleased with it, he said, "Honey, you could make that any night and I'd eat it!" Sooooo.....I did it again, Friday night-for our date night. I told him I had a surprise for him and I'd be in charge of this date night. He had no idea what I had up my sleeve.

So, I gathered my supplies for what might be our best date night ever...Long story short, Gary came home Friday night to another seared ribeye steak with Marsala wine au jus, squash casserole and garlic mashed potatoes. Mmmm! I must say, it was delicious! Gary was delighted. He'll eat anything I cook for him, but he was so pleased with this dinner. We ate by candlelight and it was wonderful. He is always so appreciative, which makes me want to cook even more.

After dinner, I told him to change into his boots and jeans...we were going dancing. Now, I knew he didn't want to go out for long and dance because he'd had a crazy day and he was tired. What he didn't know is that I turned our patio into our very own dance floor! I'd moved all the patio furniture off, hung white lights from the pergola, (thanks for your help Bree) and set up a couple of lamps to create a romantic ambiance. I'd also made a homemade margarita with powdered sugar (his favorite), and served it in a chilled margarita glass. I even drank a couple of glasses of wine...something I haven't done in quite some time. One glass, and I was feeling it. I'm glad I was at home with Gary. I wouldn't have felt comfortable anywhere else.

Earlier in the week, I'd downloaded about 30 country and western songs on my IPod and had it ready to go. The first song: Sweet Home Alabama---but of course! When Gary walked outside and saw the patio, he got tears in his eyes! That even shocked me! He couldn't believe I'd gone to all this trouble to set up our patio for us to dance on...plus the meal...plus the margarita...everything---for him. He was moved by my surprise and I was delighted to see his reaction. We danced to fast songs, worked on the "pretzel", slow songs...until we both were out of breath and had to rest. It was so much fun, I can hardly wait to do it again. Thankfully, the weather was just right...we couldn't have asked for a better night.

Now, about the glasses of wine I had...it was okay. I realize that the reason I drank in my past was to cover up the way I felt...which, was never good. I usually felt condemned, shameful and guilty--or perhaps, was in a situation I knew I shouldn't be...drinking made me feel numb to the ill feelings associated with rebellion and sin.

This past Friday night was different. I enjoyed the wine for the taste of it...albeit a dry red wine...it did go well with my steak. I enjoyed myself and was not covering up a bad feeling. I'm not condoning drinking...by all means...don't drink if you don't drink. I think I needed to prove something to myself...could I drink a glass or two of wine without feeling the need to drink the whole bottle? Was I drinking to cover up an ill feeling? I answered those questions Friday night and I can honestly say...I do not feel I am in bondage to alcohol at all. That's a great feeling. I know God deliverers us from anything that is not a part of His will. Being in bondage to alcohol is not a part of His will. Drunkenness is not a part of His will, either. This was a huge step for me. I tend to be such a "black or white" type person...no middle ground....all or nothing. The Bible talks about "moderation"....Maybe God is teaching me just that...on many different levels. Having a glass of wine is just one of them.

I used to be afraid to have one glass for fear I might go overboard and sink into the pits of hell...where I was in 2003....but fear is not a great motivator when its source is the enemy and his plan is bondage. I am not afraid. I am free. Free indeed. Amen to that!

The First Six Months. . .

It didn't seem life could get much harder or complicated after what we experienced in the month of May, but in some ways, it did, for about the next six months, or so.


We came back from our honeymoon and immediately had to pack and move Gary's home belongings over to our new house. You'd think after five days in Maui, we'd be more than rested, but we weren't. The emotional toll that Norm and Bill's death took on us, plus the wedding, plus Bree and Britton graduating was all a bit much for one month and two people. Not only did we need to blend our decor, and family, but also our dogs! This was something I really worried about. Silly, huh? Shorty was an "only (spoiled) dog" and didn't know how to socialize with other dogs because she'd never been around other dogs. Well, now she was going to have a new sister, Lovey and new brother, Schnitzel! Lovey and Schnitzel have always been considered "dogs"...so they were crate trained. Shorty, on the other hand, had never slept in anything but a queen or king size bed--all of her life! (I know, that's ridiculous...but, she's like a daughter to me.)


In marriage, there must be compromises. We all know that. Gary asked if Shorty could possibly sleep in a crate, instead of with us. In theory, I was all for it. But in reality, I didn't think it would fly...but I was willing to try. Nope! The first night, within minutes of us retiring to bed, we could hear her squealing, barking and crying. Not only was it hurting my heart, it was hurting my ears. There was no way we were going to sleep with all that going on. So we moved her to our bed, but only on the outside of me...not between us.


Next night. We're still exhausted. Shorty: crying, squealing, barking. Moved her to our bed, on the outside...the alternative? Gary mentioned going over to Jimmy and Jerre's and sleeping there...that was not an option. Over time, we both gave in and she and Lovey now sleep in their own sweet beds on the floor at the foot of our bed. At first, Shorty would sleep beside me (on the outside), but in the middle of the night, she moved to her bed on the floor. Now, three and one half years later, she starts in her own bed and wakes up in her own bed. Ha ha! You can teach an old dog new tricks!


So, you may be wondering about Schnitzel? Where does he sleep? Well, Schnitzel had to move to Dumas to live with Jatawn's parents after biting Jimmy's thumb (really badly) and marking his territory-IN THE HOUSE! Three dogs is a lot. Especially if you're used to only one dog. It was a tough decision. It was learning about Schnitzel when I immediately knew Gary would be my husband! But I must say, he is the only dog with Judy and Archie and he is fat and happy--no doubt! They installed a dog door for him; he has two large backyards to play in and two people who dote over him day and night. Judy lost her mother and Schnitzel has been such a blessing for her and Archie. I don't think they could part with him now.


Blending people is not an easy task to take for granted either. I think I had to adjust the most. I'd been single most of my life, divorced for three + years, never had children, lived alone most of my adult life, etc. etc. Bree stayed in Canyon most of the summer while she was in the play "TEXAS" and Britton was here for the summer. It seemed hard on him, from my view point. Within a year, he'd lost his mom, graduated from high school, Dad remarries and he moves from his hometown to Amarillo and a new house. Not ideal circumstances for your summer out of high school. It was tough, no doubt.


I felt helpless. I didn't know Britton well enough and he didn't know me well enough to share our thoughts and emotions about the events happening in his life. There seemed to be a big, white, elephant in our lives, but no one could really talk about it.


He left for Texas A&M in August and again, I felt helpless. I know what it feels like to need a mother's love, especially when embarking on new adventures and chapters in life. But I couldn't meet that need for him at all. It hurt my heart to think he was hurting.

Those feelings fed into my insecurities and fears of not meeting Bree's and Britton's expectations. (Assuming they had expectations?) Fear is such a powerful emotion, but this kind of fear was not good at all! I was consumed to the point that I doubted everything. During the first six months of our marriage, I started to doubt I'd made the right decision in marrying Gary! That was the result of consuming fear. Where does fear come from ? The enemy. At least that kind of fear.


My Aunt Sandra got sicker with lung cancer and passed away in July and my sorrow and grief crept up so high, I thought I would drown in it. Not long after, numbness set in. I know that was my survival technique, because I thought many times, I was drowning. I was so tired of feeling sad. I wanted my joy back. I begged God to send me His joy, His strength. I was sad for Sandra's son's, for Karen and her family, for Britton, for Gary, for Bree...and for me. Yes, I was sad for me. I've never been a healthy griever. I either kept it bottled up inside and didn't deal with it, or it came out in other ways...not so healthy ways.


Still, underneath the surface, I fought off the devil's endless attacks regarding Norm's death. Because he rejected the kidney I gave him, I couldn't help but think it was my fault. That may sound crazy, but when you're weak and weary, you're a sitting duck for the enemy. I fought him tooth and nail. Some days were better than others. It seemed I might battle this for the rest of my life. I wondered if I had the strength. . .?


When Dad died. I drank. A lot. It kept me numb. Numb was good. I no longer drank. I no longer had a "medicine" to make me numb. Not even tobacco, which could at least take the edge off. Nothing. For the first time in my life, I was dealing with grief stone sober. It hurt. It hurt bad. I hadn't developed healthy coping skills for life while growing up in my dysfunctional, alcoholic, broken home. Nope. Didn't pick up any good coping skills there.


It was me and God. Alone. To deal with the pain of the past few months, and the past 40 years. I wasn't sure God would be enough. I'd never completely depended on Him to heal my pain, my hurts, my disappointments. I'd allowed alcohol to do most of the dirty work. I simply didn't trust God 100%, but here I was. No wine, no shots, no Copenhagen.


God sent his Son to me in human form, by the way of Gary Wells. I'm not being over dramatic, either. It's true. I learned how to deal with life, sober, from a man who fears the Lord. You can learn a lot from any person who fears the Lord. It's inevitable. Plus, unfortunately or fortunately, Gary knew grief. He comforted me along the way while I dealt with my grief. One of the many things about Gary that I love is his gentle nature. There is nothing harsh about him. His softness gently rubbed away so many of my rough edges. I needed him more than he could ever need me...at least in my head.


It was in the confines of our marriage that I truly began to heal. Pain from my past, hurts from my parents, mistakes I'd made along the way. . .Gary has been there through it all. I will forever be grateful to have him as my husband. My joy slowly reappeared.

Our Wedding Day. . .

I awoke the morning of my wedding day with mixed emotions. On one hand, this was my wedding day. I couldn't wait to put my dress and veil on with my hair curled just right. On the other hand, the man I'd become so close to in such a short time had died the night before. Everything seemed so surreal. One minute, I'd be putting on eyeshadow, the next, I'd be wiping away tears. My emotions were beyond a roller coaster ride...it seemed they raced to the moon and back every few minutes.

Jane King and her daughter, Kristin, were so gracious the night before to offer to come over and help me with my hair. The thought of curling my hair, the night before, made me nauseous. When they came over, we shed a few more tears, but they were so helpful in assisting me to get dressed and keep my make-up on my face and not down the front of my dress.

You know how your nose gets so red and swollen after crying so much? I figured by the time I reached the church, I'd look like Rudolph! God was even gracious towards my nose. Amazingly enough, it wasn't red in any of the pictures!

As bad as I was feeling, I could only imagine what Karen, Kendra and Kyle were feeling. I did know what it was like to lose a dad and that's the part that of me that cringed with sorrow. Although my dad died some 25 years prior, the pain from the day of his death was as fresh to my memory as what I'd done only five minutes before. It somehow never leaves. The pain's intensity diminishes, but the thought, "Dad's dead," still rings so loudly in my ears. It even pained me to think that Karen, Kendra, Kyle and all of their family were going to put on some outfit to attend my wedding after losing Norm! That seemed impossible, but they are people of great faith and they showed me and everyone else that "all things are possible with God."

In the Bridal room, many women came to hug me, not knowing the news about Norm. Every time I told someone, the tears would come again. I was literally sick to my stomach just speaking about Norm's death minutes before walking down the aisle to get married. It just didn't seem real to me. Truly, the Lord kept me standing on my two legs because otherwise, I might have fainted. My body and my heart were so weak.

But then, I looked out the window and saw Karen, Kendra and Kyle and the rest of the family walking in. Karen and Kendra came to the bridal room and we all three just embraced and wept. I couldn't believe they were there, but I was so delighted to see them and hold them. We knew we couldn't be in each other's company because of the amount of pain we all shared, so they excited to their seats quickly.

Jan, my sister Tanya, my cousin Mitzie and my spiritual mentor, Paula all came in and that helped me so much. I needed to see something "familiar." I needed to see someone who knew me and knew I was about to crack wide open. Just having them there was such great comfort to me.

It was a hot day, May 28th, 2006, the Sunday of Memorial Day Weekend. We got married at the Wedding Chapel, located on 6th street-they acquired an old Methodist church. Gary and I didn't think many would show because of the holiday weekend, but the church was full of our friends and family. Granted, most people didn't know of Norm's passing, so Gary, very graciously addressed our guests prior to me walking down the aisle with the sad news. He was so poised and full of grace while he spoke of Norm, his family and what he meant to me. Some of the guests gasped at hearing this news because they had no idea he'd been so ill recently. I couldn't bear to listen to Gary because I knew I would cry hearing those words. Thankfully, the wedding was video taped. Gary ended with Psalm 118:24 "This is the day the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it."

As the wedding march rang through the church, I walked in and slowly made my way down the aisle. Gary came towards me and met me in the middle. I slipped my hand through his bended arm and we walked to the alter together. I felt I was leaving behind one great man in my life, Norm, and was entering into a new life with Gary. I've never experienced "bittersweet" to the degree I did on my wedding day. My knees were weak while standing at the alter, but as I focused on Gary's beautiful, blue eyes, I tried to see past my immediate pain and into a hopeful future.

There on the front row, sat Karen, Kendra, Kyle and all their family. As I looked at them, their smiles and tears were encouraging and hopeful. Their incredible strength throughout the ceremony gave me the courage to stand there and complete my vows and move into my new life. I needed that.

We had a quick reception with cake and punch. Gary and I danced to "God Blessed the Broken Road" and we left. We had a plane to catch in just a couple of hours. I was glad for that. I don't think I could have mingled with our guests for long. Their hearts were broken for me and my heart was broken for Karen and her family.

Throughout the day, Gary was such a gentle man to me. He knew my heart was weary and faint. Through God and Gary, I was able to get through this day and actually have pictures with a smile on my face--without a red nose!

We flew to Los Angeles that day and the next morning, flew to Maui, Hawaii for our honeymoon. Karen insisted we go and I needed her insistence. Norm's funeral was on Wednesday and it was also taped. I heard there was standing room only, which is not surprising. He was an amazing father, brother, co-worker and a friend to all.

Needless to say, I cried for the first three days of our honeymoon and Gary just held me. His arms literally held me together at times.

Soon after our honeymoon, I requested that we renew our vows on our 5th anniversary and have another small wedding-this time with tears of joy... Oh, how I look forward to May 28, 2011.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. . .

Just a couple of days before the wedding, we had a rehearsal with Shannon, Gary's best man. Karen couldn't be there, as she was in Lubbock with Norm, so Shannon's wife, Monnie, stood in as my Matron of Honor for the rehearsal. I remember laughing and having fun that night, but deep down inside, there was this "gloom" hovering over the activities. That "gloom" was my fear that Norm wouldn't be able to come to the wedding at all. Gary and I decided to have a "back-up" plan, just in case Norm wasn't released from the hospital. I'd walk myself down the aisle and Gary would come get me about half way. We'd walk back to the alter together. Not my first choice, but I was okay with that for a back-up plan.

The night before the wedding, friends and family gathered over at Jimmy and Jerre's house for some fellowship. Very convenient for me since I lived across the street. The atmosphere on the "outside" was one of celebration and joy. Gary and I were getting married the next day! But the "gloom" lingered on the inside of me. This was not how I had planned my wedding at all. Then the questions and the torment would start all over again..."You don't deserve a big wedding, Dawn, you've already been married once and you failed at that miserably!" Oh, the enemy was beyond relentless. I never knew how physically challenging it was to mentally fight our worst enemy. The events from the month of May had left me exhausted physically, mentally and spiritually. I didn't feel God heard my cries to Him and I couldn't understand why He seemed to be ignoring me. I needed Him now, more than ever. I needed to understand all this. Should I get married, Lord? Is this a sign not to?

Confused, dazed, exhausted and full of doubt--what better place to be for the enemy to attack you? He doesn't care that you're already face down about to give up. NO! He comes in for more, a kick to the side, to the back, to the face...I know the only way I could have made it through that time is that Jesus was right there with me. He wasn't about to let the enemy take my life, completely.

My cell phone rang, and it was Kendra. She said, "We're losing him, pray Dawn." I told her I would and we hung up. I immediately fell face down on the couch and cried out, "Why, Why Lord? Are you really going to let this happen?" I took this all personally, as if God was punishing me so He takes Norm the day before my wedding. (Another lie from the enemy, but at this point, I can't fight him.)

Of course, the atmosphere at Jimmy and Jerre's changed in an instant. They all knew the situation with Norm, but I just don't think we expected to hear it this soon. Not right now. I came back across the street to our house and some friends and family came as well. Then I got another call from Kendra, "He's gone, he's gone to be with the Lord." Oh my gosh, my heart ached as if it would pop out of my chest. My heart ached for so many things: for Karen, Kendra, and Kyle and all their family, knowing how this feels to lose their dad. Norm was like a "dad" to me as well, although I'd only known him about a year and a half. I just couldn't believe he was gone.

Now, I really started questioning what I was supposed to do. Everything seemed like a blurr. I couldn't possibly get married the next day! We'd just lost Norm! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, LORD? I couldn't think straight anymore. Gary was so loving and understanding and just held me. He didn't say much because he knew there wasn't much to say. But his arms around me spoke volumes. As I thought out loud about what to do, how to handle the next day-which just happened to be my wedding day, my phone rang again. It was Karen. She told me they would all be coming home tonight. I told her I didn't know what to do about the wedding and she so graciously said, "You are absolutely getting married tomorrow! Norm wouldn't have it any other way. And we will all be there; we wouldn't miss it!" Can you believe that? I couldn't believe my ears. Here this woman has just lost her husband and she's telling me that she will be at my wedding the next day, while I'm crying and falling apart, wondering if I should still get married.

It was Karen's words that helped me get over the hump and start thinking about the wedding again. Her faith and strength shined so brightly in that conversation, that I couldn't help but feel a little better after talking with her.

The night wore on and our friends and family needed to get home. Including Gary. He wasn't sure if he should leave me alone, but I assured him, I'd be okay. After everyone left and I was alone, I cried out to God and He comforted me. The enemy kept telling me lies to keep me upset and hurting, but God whispered sweet things like, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you, Dawn. Norm's death had nothing to do with you. I knew the day Norm would come to Heaven long before you were ever born, Dawn. You are not a failure, but a blessing." It was the sweet words whispered to me by God that night that put me to sleep. What a loving Father He is.

Hanging on a Thread of Hope. . .

During all of this, my Aunt Sandra had battled lung cancer since the previous August. This was my aunt that I stayed with after school, (when I was around ages 7-9), when Dad was still working, (Mom had left when they divorced.) My heart was literally BREAKING for Sandra's two boys, Richard and Scot. I knew their pain all too well and since I'd never really healed all that pain, every time someone went through it, I felt it's sting as well. Sandra had completed several rounds of chemo and radiation. The tumors had shrunk, but were still there. Lung cancer is it's own special kind of "beast."

Meanwhile, Norm's surgery seemed to go well--the first 12 hours. After that, everything went downhill. His arteries bled out after the surgery causing his blood pressure to drop so severely, at one point, the doctors had to "shock" him back, (with the defibrillators.) I drove to Lubbock and stayed all night with Karen and Kendra in a small family waiting room, (about 10 feet sqaure.) We put an air mattress on the floor and slept there...only a few feet from ICU, where Norm lay, helpless.

In the meantime, JoMarie was desperate to move to a safer apartment and needed my help for that. I drove back to Amarillo and helped her pack and move to a better apartment and was relieved she felt better about moving. Bless her heart, she was still in shock and barely functioning and to have to go through two moves after the loss of her husband...I don't know how she kept functioning. She has a wonderful group of girlfriends who've been close to each other for many years. They all rallied around her and kept her going through all this.

It was mid-may and with everything going on with Norm and JoMarie I couldn't seem to get back to work. My anxiety about work mounted. There were so many other immediate needs of my family, that work was the last thing on the list of importance. I felt the Lord saying it was okay to resign. Yet, since Gary and I weren't married yet, it felt more like jumping off a cliff...while God said, "JUMP, I'll catch you, I promise." It truly was an act of faith. While sitting in my managers office to give her my resignation, my cell phone rang. It was Karen. Norm was in a fight for his life. His blood pressure had dropped again and they were about to use the "cart" on him. I knew right then I'd made the right choice to resign. I left the office and drove straight to Lubbock. By the time I'd arrived, the doctors had Norm stabilized. His body was fighting so hard to live. His arteries had to be surgically cauterized three different times. Dr. Van Buren explained to me that Norm's arteries resembled those of an 85 year old, instead of a 61 year old man. All the years of dialysis and drugs he's had to take, have weakened his body significantly.

I prayed so hard for Norm to supernaturally recover. I bargained with God to please let him get well, let him come home-even if in a wheel chair temporarily. You see, many months prior, I'd asked Norm to walk me down the aisle and give me away at my wedding. He so graciously accepted. I'd also asked Karen to be my Matron of Honor. Gary and I decided to have only one attendant. Karen already had her beautiful dress. A vibrant aqua color that matched the color of her eyes. We found a gorgeous aqua tie for Norm, as well. Shannon Burdett, Gary's best man, had his tux all rented and ready to go.

I realize it was selfish of me to want Norm to be able to give me away, since he now was fighting for his life. I wanted him to be released from that hospital, not just to attend my wedding, but because I wanted him healed and back to the 6 foot, 7 inch huge, full of life man he had been before.

I was beginning to doubt everything. I felt God was punishing me. Was I supposed to get married or not? What was all this about, Lord? I had grown so weary from the events of the month of May, I didn't know what to do next-literally. Randomly, I found myself forgetting where I was while driving down a street. My mind was literally playing tricks on me due to weariness and fighting the enemy almost every minute of every day. Utter torture was his tactic. He was not subtle at all, like he usually is.

Through the two weeks of Norm's hospitalization, I drove to Lubbock several times. Back and forth as much as I could. I wanted to be with Karen, Kendra and Kyle as much as possible yet I was still tying up loose ends for the wedding. I was conflicted the entire time. So fragile, I felt at any moment, I was about to crack. The Lord never left me, or any of us, during this time. I still had faith that Norm would come home, even if in a wheel chair, days before the wedding. Somehow, I still how had hope. If not, I might have surrendered to the enemy, but I wasn't about to let him win this battle.

Who knew what was about to happen. . .

So, the month of May (our wedding month) quickly rolls around. We marked off the days on the calendar with joyful anticipation for a month filled with graduations, wedding, and lots of transitions. NO ONE could have convinced me the month of May would end the way it did. I don't know that I would have even believed God if He whispered the events that were about to take place.

First, the company I worked for selling yellow page advertising was bought out by a huge corporation, located in the East somewhere. Everything changed overnight. What was once a "family" type work environment, quickly turned into, "Corporate America-style." I am NOT a corporate America-style person and anxiety began to take over my thoughts. All of a sudden, I was working for a company that I didn't interview with, nor would I have interviewed for this position, because it just wasn't me.

One day, while standing at church, during worship, I started to black-out. I had no idea what was going on with me, but I broke out in a sweat, (which is ridiculous for me, because at church, I FREEZE!) As I blinked my eyes, everything went black for a few seconds after I opened them up. My stomach felt so nauseated, I wondered if I was going to vomit right then, or might I have time to make it to the restroom? I slowly sat down, trying to get a grip, praying for God to remove this from me. Gary asked if I was okay, but I didn't know if I was or not. I started breathing in deeper as I noticed I had been almost holding my breath from the anxiety of the situation. Finally, after about 5-6 minutes, my body seem to come back to normal. The black was no longer there after I blinked, I stopped sweating and my stomach was no longer nauseated. I had no idea what had just happened to me. I didn't believe it was the Holy Spirit sweeping over me....I doubt the Holy Spirit would bring a "sick" feeling with Him.

Not long after that, I had a visit with my doctor and told her about it. She thought it was probably an anxiety attack. She asked me if I had much going on...hmm? yea! I've got a lot going on-I'm getting married May 28th and going to become a step-mother and am a little nervous. My company got bought out and my work situation is very stressful and not something I desire to be a part of, but I didn't have much choice with the buy-out. Needless to say, I was under a lot of stress internally and externally. I am the type that always makes the internal stress 10 times worse than it already is.

A few days after the visit with my doctor, while Gary and I were watching TV at our new house, we received a phone call from a police officer asking us to come to his mother, JoMarie's house, which was just up the street from us. We had no idea what this was about, but we hurried over there to find JoMarie wailing with grief. Gary went to her and she told him, "Bill's been killed in an accident!" Bill is JoMarie's husband. He was coming home from work in his car, when a speeding motorcycle barreled into his driver's side door, killing Bill instantly with a broken neck. This was unbelievable. We were all in shock. The policemen were kind enough to stay until Gary and I arrived. My heart breaks today just writing this. Bill was one of the kindest men I'd met. He loved the Lord with all his heart and he loved JoMarie dearly. They were such a great couple together. They lived in a beautiful, large home on the golf course, but had decided to down-size and purchased a condo they'd found. The very next day, the movers were coming to move everything to the new condo. Most of the house was packed up in boxes sitting around everywhere. The timing of Bill's death was most unusual with the season that he and JoMarie were about to enter. In an instant, he was gone.

The next day brought about much anxiety for everyone with the move pending and the condo to be remodeled. Plus, I was expected at work to complete training. If I thought I had anxiety before, I really had it now. I didn't know what to do next. I grew more and more anxious about work. I took the next few days off, and already dreaded returning.

We decided it would be best if JoMarie didn't live in the condo by herself while the remodel was going on. We found an apt. for her across the street from her condo that she had lived in many years before. We moved her in but with some trepidation. The situation seemed dangerous for a single woman who is not in the best of health anyway. Possibly drug dealers in the area and people up late outside the apts...it just didn't seem good. But for the time being, she was settled there until we found something else.

In the meantime, a few days later, Gary and I headed to College Station to attend Bree's college graduation from A&M. This should be a joyful time of celebration, but Bill's death hovered over all of us like a gray cloud. We got Bree's belongings packed and loaded up in a U-Haul and headed back for nine long hours to Amarillo the next day. On our long drive home, I received a call from Karen. She told me Norm had been ill and went to the ER. Because he was a transplant patient, the Amarillo doctors thought it best his doctors in Lubbock treat him. So, they headed to Lubbock. The doctors determined that Norm's body was rejecting the donated kidney I gave him. I believe I heard a statistic that up to 4o% of transplant patients go through some type of rejection episode. It's usually treated with a new concoction of immuno-suppressant drugs to save the kidney, but in Norm's case, his kidney was already not functioning-so the doctors decided to remove the kidney. This is a fairly routine operation since the kidney is placed just under the skin and is easy to reach.

So, that's how Karen and I left that conversation. Norm was going to go through a routine operation to remove the kidney to stop his body from rejecting it. We felt positive about the outcome and I told her I'd call the next day, after we got Bree's belongings unloaded.

I was beyond overwhelmed, physically and emotionally. I really thought God might have accidentally put more on my plate than I could handle, but God doesn't make mistakes. I wrote in my journal: Lord, please show me what to do next. I don't know. The cliff rocks are falling down on top of me and I feel like if they don't kill me from the blows, I'll just be buried alive in all of them. Tell me, show me that it's not as bad as the enemy paints the picture. Show me the good. Help me find the good. Please forgive me Lord for this pity-party. I truly don't know what to do and thought You might know the answer. I will wait patiently to hear from You. Please comfort JoMarie.

As I said before, no one, not even God Himself, could have convinced me that the events of the month of May were actually going to happen and there was not a thing I or anyone else could do about them. In the midst of trials, it's hard to say, "God is good, all the time." But, He Is.

We passed "pre-marital" counseling!

I'm sorry to jump around time wise, but fast forward to February 2006. I've moved into the new house, across the street from Jimmy and Jerre, my in-laws. Gary and I are attending pre-marital counseling at Trinity Fellowship with Pastor Bo Williams and going through a great book called, "100 questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged." We were already engaged, but I highly recommend this book to any couple considering engagement or marriage. It asks questions you might never think to ask each other, which is good!

One thing I learned in counseling is that my greatest fear was not measuring up to Bree and Britton's expectations. I don't know if they had any, but I was extremely afraid that if they did, I wouldn't measure up to them. I didn't want to disappoint them in any way as their dad's wife or as a step-mother. Yet, I had no idea how a step-mother should be. I was really at a loss to know what good mothering skills were. On the other hand, Bree and Britton were grown and didn't need "mothering", yet I know how I felt when my parents died. Especially my mom. I desired to have a "mother" figure in my life. After my mom died, and I was without either parent, I especially longed to have someone interested in me at all. Much like a parent would be interested in their child. I was sometimes desperate for that kind of "interest." That's asking a lot of someone. It's fairly difficult to treat someone as "your own." Especially if you don't have a long history or some other "aspect" that really binds you together. It takes time and commitment to achieve a relationship like that, and most parental figures are busy being interested in their own children, not someone else's.

Gary's greatest fear was that something would happen to me. Such as, I might get sick with cancer or some other disease and die and he would be left alone again. I could certainly understand his fear and it seemed logical to me after all he'd been through. I was grieved that he feared that. Pastor Bo prayed for us that day and prayed "fear" to be removed from our lives and that we wouldn't be controlled by a spirit of fear.

Pastor Bo was convinced that Gary and I were on the same page regarding important issues, such as spiritual growth, finances, family, etc. That was good to hear. I thought we were, but it's always nice to hear that from an objective person. We trusted Pastor Bo's opinion.

I absolutely believe in pre-marital counseling for everyone, especially blended families. But even with pre-marital counseling, some unforeseen issues can't be discussed because they haven't happened yet, so counseling after marriage is a great idea too! I read a book last year, "The Smart Step-Family" by Ron Deal and I greatly wished I'd read it before we got married. My goodness! What a great book for blended families. I highly recommend that book for any couple with a blended family who plans to marry OR is already married. I can't say enough good about it. Ron also just released another book, called "The Smart Step-Mom" that I reviewed during the editing phase. Wow! Another great book, indeed. The "Smart Step-Family" is great to read as a couple because it has questions at the end of each chapter. It could even be read for a group study. The "Smart Step-Mom", obviously, is great for the "mom" of the family. It's usually the mom who internalizes everything about the family. I know I sure did. Anyway, if you're interested, log onto Ron's website. www.successfulstepfamilies.com It holds a wealth of information for step-family issues. It's nice to be enlightened, especially on such a complex subject. With so many families entering into a "step" family life, any helpful insight is such a blessing and almost a necessity due to the high percentage of second families ending in divorce. Go ahead, get the books! You'll be glad you did, I promise! :)

Why do we have two kidneys?

Let me catch you up with Norm's progress. In February '05 Norm started having trouble with his kidney. There's a test that shows kidney function and creatnine levels. Norm's creatnine level was rising. 1.0 is very good, but his was rising up to the 6.0-8.0 level. That was not good. His surgeon, Dr. Van Buren, in Lubbock was concerned and did a biopsy of the kidney. He suspected Norm's first donated kidney failed due to a virus called "BK"...a virus that we all have traces of in our body, but when a transplant patients immune system is compromised from taking immuno-suppressant drugs, the BK virus can attack the donated kidney (foreign object)... The biopsy showed BK virus in his new kidney. This was not good news at all. The kidney was still functioning, but only at about 50%. Dr. Van Buren said Norm could do nothing right now, but eventually he'd have to do something. In July, '05, Norm was admitted to BSA to try a new drug that had a 50/50 chance of overcoming the BK virus. This drug had to be administered through an IV and Dr. Van Buren was skeptical, but knew it was worth a shot to try it. If it didn't work, it would "zap" the kidney and the kidney's function would deteriorate quickly and Norm would have to return to dialysis. Norm was willing to try.

The results weren't good. The medicine did in fact "zap" the kidney. It was just a matter of time before Norm would have to return to dialysis. This was devastating news to me. I felt like I'd failed Norm with my kidney and the enemy attacked me from all sides. During that time, Gary was very supportive and seemed to understand why I felt that way. In October, '05, Norm did go back onto dialysis. His quality of life was compromised somewhat, but he thought he could endure it for awhile. Because two donated kidneys failed, he was not a candidate to go back onto the transplant list. Despite this sad news to all of us, we marched along, thankful for all the goodness God had given to us and knew things could always be worse. Norm was such a good sport about his health and never complained. His great attitude helped inspire so many around him to be thankful.

Now Norm's body housed 4 kidneys, none of which were functioning for him! That seemed amazing to me. Unless the body "rejected" the kidney, functioning or not, there was no need to remove the kidney. During all this, I learned a tremendous amount about kidney disease. High blood pressure is what got Norm's kidneys originally. He didn't realize his blood pressure was so high and gone undetected, it can damage the kidneys significantly. Diabetes is another kidney "zapper."

But having gone through everything we went through, I never did learn why we're born with two kidneys. The medical Doctors couldn't even give me a good reason. And having lived now, almost 5 years with only one kidney, I cannot, for the life of me, determine why we need two kidneys. The ONLY reason I came up with is this: TO GIVE ONE AWAY.

Currently, there are approximately 78,000 people in America on the waiting list for a kidney. Sometimes, the wait can be up to four years. Many of those people die while waiting. If less than half the population of Amarillo, TX donated a kidney, the waiting list would be completely eliminated! Those are staggering numbers, but hopeful, indeed. I realize donating a kidney isn't for everyone. Some people wouldn't even be a candidate for donation due to minor medical issues, such as too much protein in their kidneys, or a history of kidney stones... But there are many people who would be fantastic donors.

Despite the fact that Norm's donated kidneys had failed him, they did extend his life and give him a better quality of life while they were functioning. My life was blessed immensely by donating a kidney to Norm and I would do it again if I had another one to spare. Since I don't, I recruit.

There is an organization called "Paired Donation" that will match your donated kidney to someone and therefore, give your loved one a kidney donated from someone else. This is great when you want to donate to someone you know, but aren't a match. This organization moves the process along quickly so the recipients don't have to wait four years on the transplant list. Brilliant idea!

Legislature is visiting the notion of a "tax credit" for living donors. Not a bad idea. We get tax deductions for donating old clothing, etc...why shouldn't we get a tax credit for donating an organ? Seems logical to me. We'll see what happens in Washington.

I do believe one of the first questions I'll ask Jesus when I get to Heaven, is: "Why did we have two kidneys?" I wonder if His answer will be, "To give one away."

Our first house. . .

After the holidays, Gary and I attended Britton's basketball games on Tuesday's and Friday's. Britton is a great basketball player and this was his senior year; last year for Gary to see him play. I hadn't been to high school games in a long time, so it was nice to get back into the fierce competition of high school sports. Plus, it always helps to have a "favorite player" to yell for during the exciting games. That makes the game so much more fun.

In January, the thought crossed our minds to marry right away and I'd move in with Gary and Britton in Canyon. We were so ready to get married, yet didn't want to regret rushing things. Something really bothered me about marrying so quickly, right in the middle of Britton's senior year, and living in their house. I felt unpeaceful about that idea. I had vowed that I would not move into another man's house; that if I married again, we'd find a house together and it would be OURS. That was important to me because of my previous marriage. We live and learn, don't we?

After much prayer, we decided it would be best if we waited until the end of the school year and that Gary and I find our own house. We did just that. Right across the street from Gary's dad and step mom was a house that's been on the market for a year. The owners lived in California and seemed eager to sell. Gary and I prayed about a price and decided we wouldn't go higher than that. When we made the initial offer, they denied it. We walked away. Two weeks later, Gary and I were eating at Furr's (yes, we love that place and we're not even old!) We got a call from the owners asking if we were still interested in their house. Gary said, "Yes, at our original price." The owner said, "You just bought yourself a house." We couldn't believe it! We were so excited as more and more things were happening that just sealed the fact we would be married soon.

I put my house up "for sale by owner" and sold it in two days. Unbelievable! Then, a local banker who knew Gary was getting married asked him if he was going to sell his house. Gary told him yes, and move to Amarillo. One Saturday, Gary, Britton and I cleaned their house top to bottom to show to this family. They bought it and allowed Gary to rent it from them until June, after we returned from our honeymoon. Gary never even put a "for sale" sign in his front yard. Unbelievable! Miracle after miracle kept happening. We were estatic at the favor we had!

I moved into our new house in January and started decorating little by little. It was wonderful to live across the street from Jimmy and Jerre, my soon to be in-laws. Now, I know some people would cringe at the thought of living across the street from their in-laws, but not in this case. Jimmy and Jerre are a lot of fun to be around and they adored me. That always helps when your in-laws really like you. That helps a lot, come to think of it. I adore them as well. In fact, instead of them barging in on us, we're the ones barging in on them! They have a large chocolate Lab named Hershey...so we're both dog people, which is another plus. It's just really nice to have a neighbor so close that you trust them with your garage door opener and with your pets. VERY IMPORTANT! We love living across the street from them and can't imagine living anywhere else. The thought of moving away from them saddens me, even though Gary would love to build a house someday. We'll see what happens. For now, we are just perfect right where we are. God is good-ALL the time. :)

Our First Christmas. . .

So, back to our first Christmas together. It was quite different than what I'd been used to for many years. Prior to meeting Norm and Karen the year before, holidays were "up in the air" for me. The previous three years, after my divorce, I never really knew where I'd spend the holidays and although I longed to "belong" to family to celebrate them together, that's easier said than done. I'd become a bit of a "loner" throughout my adulthood.

Now, Gary, on the other hand, had an abundance of family! We celebrated with his Mom and her husband, Bill and Gary's grandparents, Papa Joe and Flo. Then there was his dad, Jimmy and step mom, Jerre and Jerre's kids. Norm and Karen and Jan and Frank Frisbee. All of a sudden, I had more family than I'd ever had in my life! Almost overnight!

For 20 years, while Gary and Jatawn were married, they celebrated Christmas in Dumas with Jatawn's parents, Archie and Judy. This was their family tradition. They'd had one Christmas without Jatawn in '04 and now, here I was, in Gary's life, in '05. Gary and the kids went to Dumas Christmas Eve and I drove up on Christmas day. I was beyond nervous.

I already met Judy and Archie during the summer. Gary and I drove up to see them because he wanted me to meet them. The four of us sat in their living room and visited for a couple of hours. They were delightful. They even knew who my parents were from many years previous. Judy and Archie thought of Gary like a son. When we were leaving, Archie said, "I just consider you my daughter-in-law." There couldn't have been a nicer thing he could have said to me that day. My heart was glad.

Having said all that, I must admit, spending our first Christmas in Dumas was still difficult for me. It wasn't just Judy and Archie, it was their entire family! A fairly big family. They were all so nice to me, but nothing could help what I was feeling. Out-of-place times a million! I felt like I was a constant reminder that Jatawn wasn't there anymore. My mind convinced me that is what everyone thought. The longer we stayed, the more difficult it became for me because of all the tormenting thoughts going through my head. No one acted differently, this was all in my mind! I am amazed at how powerful our thoughts are on our emotions, even if there is no truth to them at all! Needless to say, I felt like I was holding my breath most of the time I was there. I wasn't literally, but it seemed that way. There was absolutely no validity to those tormenting thoughts, none. The entire family was so loving and welcomed me with open arms, so where was this coming from? Pure and simple, the insecurity of not being accepted. Hmm? Some new devil I was dealing with had appeared. Being in relationships has a way of uncovering many things that we'd never find out while alone.

Please don't let me color the holidays as dismal, because they weren't at all. I had a great time the whole season and this was a new chapter in my life. I knew there was work to be done and I wanted to tend to the things that held me back, i.e. insecurity of acceptance was a big one.

I have to tell you what Gary got me for our first Christmas, he was so proud of himself. He handed me a large, wrapped box and he was beaming from ear to ear. "No one's ever given you this present. You're going to love it!" I opened it up, not having any idea what it could be. What did I find? A set of camo's. Camouflage jacket and pants for hunting! Gary was right, no one had ever given me that! Gary, being the avid hunter he is, envisioned us hunting together. He also knew how cold-natured I was, so he thought this would be a great gift for me! I must say, those camo's have come in handy on some cold mornings in Wheeler sitting in a deer blind.

Gary also got me a pink, zebra striped Victoria's Secret robe I'd picked out. He follows directions well. We had a great holiday season. Sometimes it was a little awkward, but for the most part, we all made it through and grew some as well. That's always a good thing.