It just keeps getting better. . .

As I read my journal from May, 2005-each entry tells about a man who keeps surprising me at every turn (and still does.) One night, after having a great conversation with Gary about my thoughts about having children...which, by the way, I gave him my "pat" answer: "I can't miss something I've never had," he was leaving and wanted to pray over me. Oh My! Had I died and gone to Heaven? As we embraced, ear to ear, he whispered the sweetest prayer over me, in his gentle voice and I thought I was going to melt, right through his arms. Funny thing, WE both said "this is too good to be true!" Normally, when I hear that statement, I run...but I learned something, when it feels too good to be true in a Godly relationship--its God at His finest!

Our courtship was one of grace, love, redemption and boundaries...four things I've never experienced in any relationship. We just wanted to spend time together to get to know each other, more and more. Our likes and dislikes, our temperaments, quirks, phobias, hang-ups--everything. I'd honestly never met a man like Gary Wells in my life and it was beyond difficult to believe God had put this man in my life for such a time as this. I AM blessed!

I remember the night we went to a fund-raiser at the Panhandle Plains Museum in Canyon, (he lived in Canyon at this time.) This was our "official" first date in Canyon, where he knew, once we were "seen" out, the buzz would be buzzing. I asked him if he was ready for that, and he said, without hesitation, he was. It was this night that I met Bree, Gary's daughter, and oldest child of two. I wrote in my journal: I met Bree tonight. She is a striking-got-it-all-together strong, young lady. Confident and ambitious. It was a little awkward because I didn't really know how she felt about her dad dating, but I tried to just be me.

I also met Britton, Gary's son. He'll be a senior this year. He's a tall, handsome, gentleman. Seems to have a sweet spirit, just like his dad.

We all seemed a little nervous at our first meeting, but his children were delightful, friendly and good-spirited about it all. That helped make that first meeting a little easier.

I've never felt more like a "fish out of water" as I did this particular night. I have never had children, and I didn't have a great role model for a mom, so I felt completely inadequate and ill-equipped at the idea of ever being a "step-mom." (yes, I admit, marrying Gary had already crossed my mind a hundred times before this night.)

One thing I did have in common with Bree and Britton was this: I'd lost my dad when I was 15 years old, (Britton was 16 when his mom died) and I'd lost my mom when I was 22 years old, (Bree was 21 when her mom died.) Now, that doesn't seem like a wonderful thing to have in common, but it was something of great significance that happened in all three of our lives that we could relate to through our pain. I knew deep down they were still hurting and grieving the loss of their mother. Even though I couldn't share their pain with them directly, I was sharing it with them indirectly-just by knowing the very heartache they were feeling and being able to empathize with them. This was something even Gary couldn't identify with because his parents were still alive and well.

It's difficult to know someone is hurting and even understand their pain, yet not be able to do anything for them or comfort them in any way. That's how I felt for Bree and Britton. It was tough and my insecurities were rising to the top, but God showed up and showed off, as He does in such a glorious way. Through my trials and insecurities (weaknesses), He proves to be strongest, which is what Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:9. I had many weaknesses, so there was LOTS of opportunities for Christ's power to rest on me. :)

First "Real" Kiss

This was a totally, amazing day. It started off by Gary and me traveling to Wheeler to visit his ranch that he and his dad own. This is his "sanctuary" away from the hustle and bustle of life. I'd never been to Wheeler and I distinctly remember as we got closer, there were so many trees and even some valleys! Where had I been all my life? This didn't even look like the Panhandle of Texas as I knew it. I was anxious to see what the ranch looked like. I was also nervous, because his dad, Jimmy and step mom, Jerre, were there as well. Yikes! Meeting the fam!


It was great. Jimmy and Jerre were delightful and fun and I just seemed to click with them right away. Wheeew! that was good, that definitely eased my nervousness. The ranch is beautiful! It has a great pond, stocked with fish, acres of green grass with actual trees and valleys. I was simply amazed we were still in the Panhandle of Texas. I could easily see why this was Gary's "sanctuary." He also loves to hunt there in the winter, EVERY weekend! (I go some and stay home some too....imagine all the new little projects that get accomplished during the winter months!)


We came back to Amarillo and decided to go by Norm and Karen's house. I wanted them to meet Gary, officially, now that we had been seeing each other since the golf tournament. That was the last time Karen and Norm had seen Gary. And of course, they loved him! He met everyone that night - all the grand kids, Kendra and Kyle, just everyone...it was great.


We went dancing again and had a blast. After Gary took me home, while standing outside saying our "good-byes", he leaned in about 50% and I leaned in the other 50% and BAM! Oh my goodness. I'm just going to say this quickly-I thought to myself, "Oh my! He is a fabulous kisser!" This was a kiss that I had dreamed about for many years...finally, here it was, happening to me! I was in awe, yet again. It seemed at every turn, everything was so right. We had so many "connections" from our families and our pasts, that it just seemed uncanny. I was living a "dream" and didn't want to wake up, it was delightful.


I loved the anticipation that came over me every time I was going to see Gary on any given day. We both remained so giddy, people really got a little "sick" of our courtship. Yet, Gary's friends were so happy that he was smiling again. I was happy that I was with him as he began to smile again. I wasn't there all those years during the very rough times of Jatawn's illness, but having watched my mom battle breast cancer, I did have an idea how difficult and painful all those years must have been. I imagine it being so much harder as a spouse instead of a daughter.

Our love grew and grew. That night of our first real kiss, I wrote in my journal:


I know something about all this, but I'm not saying. . .You know, too, Lord.


I knew Gary and I would be married. I knew he would be my husband. Not just because he had a dachshund, or that he was a fabulous kisser. I knew he was going to be my husband because he was my heart's desire, through and through. God put that desire in me before I was born. He knew I'd have a rough past to deal with and Gary was going to lose his wife through a long, difficult battle with cancer. God knew just the man I needed and God knew just the woman Gary needed. It was us and I knew it that night...May 14, 2005. Three weeks after we met. I'm so thankful it was Gary. He is perfect for me in every way.

Soul Purpose Experience

Okay, I fibbed on my last post, but not intentionally. I told you I'd resume Gary and my love story as soon as I returned from my 2-day "Spa for the Soul" retreat. What I didn't know then was how wonderful those 2 days would be and how much I'd want to write about it when I returned to my red desk! So, while it's fresh on my heart, I'd like to share some of what I discovered, uncovered and released during those two days.

My friend, Teresa Snider, who is also my "promoter" for this blog, :) asked me to check out the website for www.soulpurposeexperience.com/ as a friend of hers was encouraging her to attend. When I went to the website to read about it, I began crying while reading their website! Is that crazy? I thought, "what is going on here? why am I crying?" I don't really know the answer, except that, what I read, touched a tender place in my spirit. I wanted to go myself! I told Teresa it sounded great and definitely to go. I also emailed Kristin (at Soul Purpose) to find out what the cut-off date to register for the Sept. 17-18 retreat was. It turned out, there was one spot open, so I encouraged Teresa to go. The next day, Kristin called me to reveal that a woman had to cancel at the last minute and now there were TWO spots open! Oh my, I immediately got excited and about what? I don't know? My spirit knew!

Gary was still out of town hunting and I knew I wanted to run this by him since the cost ($525) was over our $200 spending limit (without mutual consent.) Gary called the next day and of course, he said, "sure Babe, go! Sounds like a neat deal."

Okay long story short, so I don't get bogged down with all the details, Teresa and I headed to Lubbock on Wednesday. Trinity Ranch is about 15 minutes south of Lubbock, owned by Margaret and Bill Couch...Kristin is Margaret's daughter and they work as a team for this retreat. There were six women signed up and Teresa and I arrived the night before since the retreat began promptly at 9 the next morning. Kristin welcomed us to the "bunk house" which is a beautifully, decorated home with a basement and three bedrooms upstairs, a full kitchen and three full baths, very nice accommodations.

Here's what I got out of the 2 days I was there: the motivation for going to this, deep down, was that I believe God has a specific plan and purpose for my life and I needed clarity in order to figure out what it is. I chase rabbits all day, helping in so many different ways with so many different arenas of life, but yet, I didn't feel I had "reached my calling." I've been reading, The Simple Life and it too, speaks about clarity and ridding our lives of "clutter"...things that occupy our valuable time, but don't offer anything to our life. Hmm? I can think of many things, especially technology, minus this blog, since writing is something I do feel called to do :)

Anyway, one thing discussed at the retreat was to figure out what our "limiting beliefs and scripts" are that others have put on us and we have labeled ourselves with. The one that came to my mind right off the bat, but proved to be untrue was this: I am not talented. Turns out, that is a limiting belief and is very unresourceful to my life. In the course of two days, I realized my "definition" of talent was skewed just a bit and I do have talent, am talented AND creative. Now, some may say, Dawn, I've always thought you were talented. That's great, but it doesn't help me, because 1) my definition of "talent" isn't the same as yours and 2) my limiting script, "I am not talented" does not serve me at all. Therefore, I walk around feeling "untalented"...

Now, think about some limiting script that you say to yourself or that someone has labeled you with....? Can you think of one? Is that resourceful or unresourceful? There can be both kinds. But its the unresourceful scripts that keep us in that "box" and keep us from our purpose in life or trying things for fear of failure. Listen to yourself talk during the day and see if you don't speak limiting scripts as well...you might surprise yourself.

A resourceful script for me is this: I am creative and love transforming things. This is very resourceful for me because it motivates me to transform projects, ex. the desk, the cabinet knobs, organizing an out-of-control closet, helping others with their wardrobes, photography, etc. I learned that what I call "creative" can actually be called "talent" as well. But I limited myself only to "creative." Okay, so you get the message on scripts...which, by the way, come from "Belief Systems."

Furthering our knowledge of "self", a little more digging had to occur. More soul searching and I must become much more "emotionally intelligent." That's where I identify my feeling the minute it occurs, take a "check" of my body, what's happening...blood pressure going up? breathing increasing? heart rate racing? digestive system acting up? Instead of squelching the emotion, I ask myself, "what is this? where is this coming from?" In order to be keenly aware of my emotions, I got inside a round pen with a horse I'd picked. There was one paint horse, Prince Caspian, and I picked him immediately. (I love paint horses.) Prince had been a "Play Day Horse" and ridden hard and fast by many kids during his "day." He had to re-learn how to just "be" and not be so high-strung and wanting to go-go-go and do-do-do... Funny I picked him since that is exactly how I feel about life right now.

I have such a hard time just relaxing, just being. I thought that people would admire, accept, love me more if I DID for them...DID anything for them. This is something I've been working on for many months, but something I learned in just two days with Prince was this...when I was in the pen with him...I was perfectly content to just be in his presence. He was a beautiful, majestic, sweet horse. I loved being in his presence. I didn't want to leave his presence because I felt utter peace and joy. He wasn't "doing" anything...he was just "being"...he did it well and it brought much pleasure to me. Was it possible that I could just "be" in the presence of others and possibly bring them joy? Just by being me? Not rushing around trying to "do" for them? With some people, yes, I do believe that is quite possible. But I've taught most that I will do anything for them, so they might wonder what's up when I just start "being" and quit "doing"...some may not like it, some may not notice, and some may be relieved.

Now, I know that just "being" is not my purpose in life...no, I'm too high strung for that, but I will need to grasp that so I can slow down long enough for God to speak to me and for me to hear Him clearly. I've thought a lot about my purpose and this is something Margaret leads us through...

Right now, I'm leaning towards this: My soul purpose in life is to promote, inspire and encourage personal growth for myself and others, with lots of joy! I'm listening to God on this very clearly, before I put it in stone. I love learning and growing and I never want to stay where I am, no stagnation. I want to improve myself to be the best I can be, whatever that looks like...that is definitely something I'm passionate about.

Clarity of purpose....finding that thing that you love, that you feel you were made for and you can't live without...then purposing your life around it, knowing God made you just for that very reason. Wow, that's seems to simplify things, doesn't it? That was my goal all along.

Check out the website: http://www.soulpurposeexperience.com/ Amazing! Thank You, Margaret, Kristin, Connie, Prince, Teresa, my group and God...You, Lord are simply amazing.

"May the beauty of the moment be forever imprinted upon your heart." ~ Dawn Wells

(I awoke at 1:51 a.m with this quote running through my mind, I'd never heard it before~no doubt, a gift from my loving Father above."

Our first "official" date. . .

The next day, Sunday, we went on our "official" first date...you know, the kind where the guy comes to your house and picks you up? yea, that kind. Oh! And he was such a gentleman...he opened my car door! I love that. One thing I recognized right away about Gary is his very gentle spirit. He seemed so calm, most of the time, and his presence brought a calmness to my spirit. That has proven to be a VERY good thing since I'm not calm by nature and even off the wall, at times. Gary's gentleness "grounds" me. God knew I needed that.

We went to the $1.50 movie at Westgate Mall and saw Million Dollar Baby. Great movie, by the way. But more important than that, we held hands at the movie for the first time! Oh my, was that delightful. This relationship was moving in a positive direction at a healthy rate of speed, at least for me. Usually, it was, meet the guy, kiss him that night and THEN decide if you wanted to see him again. There wasn't much "getting to know" someone back in my past days. But Gary was different to me and for me. I was also a different person. All of this was really so new to both of us. He married his high school sweetheart and was married for 20 years! He hadn't dated in 20 years, so needless to say, he did feel like a "fish out of water", as he so cleverly put it.

As I said in an earlier post, this was all new to me because I'd never really dated someone serious where alcohol didn't play a large part in the relationship at the time. I've learned, alcohol affects relationships in many ways. Don't fool yourself. It does!

I remember thinking again, this was all too good to be true. He asked me several times why I wasn't taken? Many reasons, but the most significant reason was because I was waiting for him. My Happily-Ever-After.

I was so ridiculously giddy and continually smiled from ear to ear when I was with him. He smiled a lot too. Two weeks after we met, I wrote in my journal that I felt I was living a dream. It was hard to believe this was all happening to me. The relationship felt different than anything I've ever experienced on so many levels...especially the "maturity" level-despite the fact, I blushed every time I was around him! I desired to get to know him better, to understand him, to know what he'd been through and how he made it to the other side.

Funny thing I wrote in my journal on 5-10-05, was after a visit with my dentist, Dr. Duncan. Gary also went to him and had been in a few days before...I guess Gary had mentioned he'd met me and we'd gone out a few times...so when I sat down in the chair, Dr. Duncan called me "Mary Ann"...(from Gilligan's Island)...I knew exactly what he was implying. Mary Ann's real name is "Dawn Wells". I remember that all too well since I watched Gilligan's Island everyday after school at 4:30. I thought that was cute of him and hoped it was prophetic!

One thing I learned about Gary very soon, was that he was a marvelous communicator. That was not something I'd seen in most of the guys I'd dated before. However, that was one of the items on my list...so, I checked that off as "done."

Having lost my parents and many other loved ones, I could relate to the grieving part he was experiencing, but not to the part of losing a spouse to death. Divorce, maybe, but not death. Going through a divorce was much like a death to me and many times I thought it was harder than losing both of my parents. I survived both, thank goodness. Grief was something we often discussed. I prayed God would help me just "be there" for him as he went through that process. Sometimes, I thought, "this is all too soon, he is still grieving so much. But, I feel I helped him through some of that in a healthy way.

Our romance continued to blossom and we spent a lot of time together and conversed so much about our previous lives and how we got to where we were today. I found myself extremely attracted to his "easiness and gentleness," I even found it to be "sexy" but not in a lustful way, but a "chemistry" kind of way...if that makes sense.

So, I will continue the story in a few days. I'm heading to Lubbock tomorrow to attend a retreat, dubbed, "A Spa for Your Soul." Sounds good, huh? I'm really excited. My friend, Teresa, and I are going together and hoping to learn a lot about ourselves that will propel us into the next season God has waiting for us. I will be back on Friday evening and will do my best to post again on Saturday. Until then...my friends :)

Our First Dance

After the Starbuck's evening, which was delightful, our next meeting was at the Happy State Bank Downtown Branch open house...two days afterwards. I was again so ridiculously nervous, I couldn't keep my hands dry! Now, one thing that happens when I get really nervous or embarrassed or upset, is my birthmark on my neck becomes bright red...to the people who don't know me, it looks like a hickey...of all things!

So, I get to the branch and visit with Bill Bandy, Gary and Gary's other friend, Charlie Cox. If you know Charlie, and many people do, you know he is such a character and quite comedic. He loves to give people a hard time in a fun way. However, this particular night, he really GOT me!

I'm already nervous as a cat because it's only my fourth time to be around Gary and I'm still trying to impress him. It's obvious to each of us that we like each other, but we both are really nervous. So, Charlie proceeds to comment on the hickey on my neck and in front of everyone, asks if Gary gave it to me!! Oh my goodness, I felt the blood rush into my cheeks, my nose, my forehead, my ears...from my neck up, I was beet red! Even that embarrassed me to tears almost...not sad tears, but laughing tears. It's impossible to make the red go out of your face when you're that embarrassed. We all laughed at that one and still to this day get a good laugh from it.

The night was coming to a close and Gary asked me if I'd ever been to the Cattle Baron's Ball? I said, yes, I have. Then he asked if I'd like to go this coming Saturday night? I'm BEYOND excited that he asked...because it seemed like he was asking me on our first "official" date! Of course, I said YES! What does he do next? He hands me a ticket to the Ball and asks if we can meet out there between 7:00 and 7:30. I said sure. I have to admit, at that moment, I was a little disappointed that he handed me a ticket and didn't say, "I'll pick you up between 7:00 and 7:30." However, the Lord had been working on me regarding "boundaries" in this relationship. I couldn't remember going out with someone who seemed so emotionally healthy regarding boundaries in a relationship.

In my journal, I have several entries that I thanked God for showing me what a healthy relationship/courtship looked like. This was it. Even though I'd never been in a relationship quite like this one, I knew it was right and healthy.

It actually turned out well that he didn't pick me up because I was so nervous and distraught about what I would wear that night, I thought I might have to cancel going altogether! I think I changed outfits at least four times before I finally settled on a white pair of pants and a really colorful sweater set. My goodness, that took a long time. I finally arrived at the Cattle Baron's Ball and walked over to the table where Gary and Charlie and his wife, Tami, were at. Gary looked up at me and smiled. The butterflies in my stomach flew away and instantly, all was well.

It was this night that Gary learned that my favorite song is Sweet Home Alabama. I love to 2-step to this song as well. We asked the band to play it, but while I was there, it never played. Later, a few of us decided we wanted to go country & western dancing, so I ran home to change into boots and jeans...the white pants and sandals wouldn't cut it for 2-stepping. Well, guess what? Gary called me as I was driving down I-40 headed for my house and said, "guess what the band's playing?" He held his phone out to pick up the loud music and what did I hear? None other than Sweet Home Alabama! I couldn't believe it and neither could he.

We met at the Nat parking lot and thought about going in there to dance, but ended up going to Graham's Central Station. We danced and danced until our feet hurt. One particular song came on that I will never forget dancing to...The Broken Road by Rascal Flats..."God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you..." As we danced to this song, and held each other...the words washed over me as if the song was written just for us. I remember thinking, "Lord, this is too good to be true! How can I be dancing with this wonderful man? How did this happen? To me? I don't deserve a man as wonderful as him." This was a "dream night" for me. I completely enjoyed myself, danced with a wonderful man and didn't drink a drop of liquor. This might well be a first for me...a good first. I am a new person, yet the new clothes took some getting used to. I was trying, but it was all so hard to believe from my point of view. After all the bad I'd done, how could God give me such a wonderful night like this?

Although my spiritual clothes were new, there were still some old thoughts roaming around in my mind. The guilt, shame and condemnation from my past continued to haunt me-especially now that something wonderful was happening. (I would fight these old thoughts for a few more years before finally being free from them completely.)

When Gary drove me back to my car to drop me off, I had no expectations of him kissing me goodnight and that was a relief. We'd had such a great time and he said he'd be in touch. I was confident he'd call again because the night seemed magical.

Sure enough, I was about a block away and he called. :)) He asked if I'd like to go the movie with him the next day, Sunday. Possibly see a matinee`...he wanted to see Million Dollar Baby. And, of course, I said. . .yes.

Project(s) Accomplished

Hi Readers...I have to take a detour tonight from Gary and my love story to update you on the .. . .YES! the DESK! Oh, how thankful I am to have it finished. I told Gary it would be completed before he returned home from his hunting trip in Wyoming. (He didn't get an elk. :( They just weren't out and about as they usually are this time of year. I'm very sad for him, but I know there was a reason for him going up there. He LOVED the town of Jackson, WY and I hope we'll return there together on vacation. Needless to say, he's returning a day early! Yea! That part makes me really happy....and thankful I finished the desk and another project I took on mid-week.

Okay, so back to the "Desk". . .it took more work than I thought, as do most projects I get myself into...:) But it truly became a labor of love towards the end. On Wednesday night, after working all day on project #2 (cleaning out my craft/gift-wrapping/photography/sewing, etc. closet), I went back to assemble the desk. Mind you, this is after sanding, priming, painting three coats of red, stenciling, decoupaging, trimming out with beads, (of course it had to have beads!), and sealing twice. There weren't many parts to assemble, but at 10:30 at night, after an exhausting week and day of cleaning out the closet from Hades....I was about delirious trying to re-assemble the few pieces I needed to. But I was so stubborn and so determined to get it done before I went to sleep. I'm embarrassed to say, I was literally crying out to God to help me get a very stubborn bolt to go into place...I had run out of strength and this particular bolt was being extremely obstinate! I know the Lord was laughing at me. (In a nice way.) I felt Him tell my Spirit, "Dawn, why do you do this to yourself? Who's here pushing you to finish this? No one." I had no answer for the Lord. I don't know why I push so hard on some things and give up so easily on others. I consider myself "fickle", but it's not something I'm proud of.

Anyway, I did finally get the last piece of the desk assembled and I stepped back and gleamed at what I would call..."A Masterpiece." I don't mean that in a boastful way, I mean it from this vantage point: That desk was not much when I purchased it. It wasn't attractive on the outside or inside, but I saw great potential in it the moment I laid my eyes on it. I took it under my care and scrubbed off the outer layer to prepare it for it's new life...a brand new life, with a new owner who would LOVE it and cherish it because of how much blood, sweat and tears went into "saving" it. I smile every time I glance over at it, while it sits there so majestically in my living room. I'm proud of how it turned out. It's not just pretty to look at, it is completely functional for my needs.

Doesn't that story sound familiar to you? The Blood, Sweat, and Tears of Jesus Christ went upon the Cross to purchase you and me! He put so much into us and now He steps back and looks at His beautiful daughters and sons and gleams as bright as the sun. He is so proud of His creation and desire for us to "function" for His exact purposes. Otherwise, we might sit in the Thriftstore, useless, lifeless-wondering why we even exist.

Here's the deal...the "purchase" has already been made. YOU and I have a New Owner. Maybe there is some sanding to do, or maybe a little priming to get you ready for your new "look." (And does Jesus look good on you!) Maybe you've already been painted and now you're ready for some "detail" work...wherever you are in this wonderful refining process...know this: He will finish the good work He started in you...it will be completed. Isn't that comforting to know? No matter which phase we're in...He WILL complete the project. Oh my, that gives me so much comfort right now. I pray it gives you comfort too. The crown I put on the lower right corner of the door, (my favorite part of the desk), symbolizes that I am an Heiress to the King...THE KING of HEAVEN AND EARTH!

Romans 8:15-17 So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you have received God's Spirit when He adopted you as His own children. Now we call Him, "Abba, Father. For His Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God's children. And since we are His children, we are His Heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory. But if we are to share His glory, we must also share His suffering. (NLT)

Okay, now to project #2. This was not really a labor of love. There was a lot of labor, but not much love. This large closet just kept getting crammed full of stuff, hobby after hobby went into this closet. And with my aforementioned "fickleness", there are many hobby items in there. Well, it got to the point that every time I opened the doors, I just cringed when I saw what was staring back at me. Total disarray. No organization at all. Until I pulled everything out onto the floor, I had no idea what all was in there. I surprised myself. I worked on that closet for two days and finally got everything put back in (that I kept) and everything off the floor. Now, when I open the doors, I get this feeling of great accomplishment and a smile crosses my face. That is good.

I liken that disorganized, crammed full, closet to my own life sometimes. I can really get overextended, even with many good things. I love helping people, volunteering and exploring all my many hobbies. But the other day, I listed all the activities I had my hand in and thought, "good grief....even too much of a good thing is still too much."

God and I are working some things out and I'm prioritizing my list. I love my life, don't get me wrong. I'm living my dream life: Child of God, Housewife Extraordinaire (hence my business card)

I heard so many times from Mom, "You don't need a man to take care of you. You need to get a college degree so you can take care of yourself." I believe those statements are wise , but I know now that they came from a wounded woman's heart. I lived by those statements for many years, but the truth has set me free. I have taken care of myself, been on my own, and did just fine...but I DO need to love Gary and be loved back by him. Not to take care of me, but to know what true love feels like here on Earth. He is a very close example of Jesus. He's shown me how Jesus loves me...except Jesus loves me thousands of times more than Gary. But at least now I have a reference point.

I'll continue with our story next post. I think I'll chill out tonight so I'll be rested and rejuvenated when my husband comes home tomorrow. For now, that IS my purpose... :) toodles :))

Unchartered Territory

During our phone conversation on Monday, Gary and I discussed that we would see each other the next day at the Business Connection and afterwards, meet for coffee at Starbuck's on Georgia. I was already smitten and completely beside myself! My feelings were swirling around in my stomach like butterflies. It was utter bliss to think a man such as Gary Wells was interested in me! (At this point, I hadn't fully grasped that God had made me brand new...I was not the Old Dawn anymore.)

After the Business Connection, Gary and I met at Starbucks. I can't even describe how nervous and excited I was to see him and sit down and talk to him. Remember, this really was about the first "kind-of date" that I hadn't met the guy while extremely intoxicated. I felt so "exposed" and vulnerable because I couldn't hide behind the psuedo-confident wall of alcohol I had used so many times in past relationships. I walked up to the front door feeling "naked!" This is it, I thought. This is me, in the "raw" with no blanket to cover over my insecurities. I prayed ferverntly that I wouldn't say anything ridiculous and that the Holy Spirit would speak through me. I grabbed a deck of cards that were in my glove box just in case there was an lull in our conversation. (Actually, that was my security blanket...we can play a few games of Gin to take the focus off having to keep the conversation going. Good grief! I was nervous!)

We sat at the back table, all by ourselves and talked comfortably with each other. Just for the fun of it, I pulled out my deck of cards and he laughed. He loves to play Gin and we talked while we played three games of Gin. To this day, he says I beat him 2 to 1, but I really don't remember. I am glad I took the cards in. (That's something we laugh about today.) There were a few times Gary became teary while talking about his late wife, Jatawn. The upcoming weekend was Mother's Day and the week had been hard on him so far. I clearly remember thinking, when he shed tears, how remarkable it was for a man to be so comfortable to share tears with someone he just met. I'd never seen a man do that. I didn't think of him as weak, but very strong. Strong enough to be "real" and not care what other's thought. THAT is a strong man. A very different "strong" than what I'd seen in my lifetime, but I liked what I saw. As exposed and vulnerable as I felt, Gary met me there with his own vunerabilities and exposed the very essence of his heart to me. I was in awe.

I wrote in my journal that night: Lord, thank You for the time I spent with Gary tonight. What a true blessing to know him, to know a man so righteous even exists - and to think You thought me worthy enough to meet him and spend time with him. It all seems a little awkward-not knowing when or if he may call again. THIS is unchartered territory for me. Actually, just spending time with someone on a friendly basis-no strings attached-is unusual for me.

Up until the end, I felt all went really well. He knew about my dipping in the past, I think from Jimmy, but he didn't reveal that until the end. He couldn't believe I used to dip. He didn't seem to overwhelmed by that. And when the evening was closing, he mentioned movies-he loved going to the movies. He also reminded me of the Downtown Bank Branch opening on Thursday and to come if I could. (Gary was never forward or assuming with me, quite the gentleman.)

He became tearful several times tonight-he is so not recovered from the trauma of losing his wife, although he said Jatawn told him to live his life-abundantly. He has no regrets and no guilt. The "first anniversary dates" will be hard.

Help me Lord to be the friend he needs in me. Help me Lord to put selfish ambition away. I felt the Lord whisper in my Spirit. . .Step back, Dawn, and let him grieve. Don't try to stop his grieving process. He has healthy boundaries. That's a good thing. All is well. All is well.