You know the posts on my blog about frustration and the meltdown? Well, I was worried a bit that I'd started off the new year with such dismal posts and that worry lead to me to lots of prayer and searching about "what was going on with me?" Honestly, there was a period of about 30-45 days that I completely lost my compassion. That is a horrible feeling. I wouldn't say I"m the MOST compassionate person, but I am passionate and compassionate most of the time and to see that fade away slowly, right before my eyes, was, well...quite alarming and most disheartening...
When the earthquake hit in Haiti, I turned the news channel off. I didn't want to watch it and I felt no compassion. That is crazy!!! That was NOT me and I didn't know where I had gone. I cried out to God, "Lord, what is wrong with me? I"m not myself anymore and I don't know what's happened to my compassion and joy! Please help me find it again....I hate feeling this way." I prayed that prayer for several weeks, but nothing much changed. I went through a dry spell for about 10 days when I didn't read the Word, I didn't journal and I didn't spend any dedicated time with the Lord in prayer. I was in a season of drought, and my spirit was drying up. Without joy and compassion, my outlook seemed dismal, at best. . .
Til, last Friday. I took my Aunt Margie to see her sister, my Aunt Brenda, who was in the hospital in Dumas. It's a long story how she got there, and I won't go into that now....but anyway, Margie, Taylor, my nephew, and I drove up to Dumas for a visit. We all had a great visit for several hours....then all of a sudden, everything changed. Brenda was going to be transferred to a place for further evaluation in Pampa--that night! Margie was to go as well. Margie didn't want to go and began to fight against the idea of going. (I mean, literally FIGHT against the idea.) I could see the look in her eye when she glared at me...she knew I had something to do with all this and she was furious.
As it turned out, all of us, nieces and nephews had something to do with this...we wanted Margie and Brenda to stay together. We began to tell them of the transfer at 5:00 p.m.....they didn't leave the Dumas hospital until 12:30 a.m. to go to Pampa...Between 5 p.m. and 12:30 a.m., my compassion returned. I saw the sadness, despair and distrust in my Aunt Margie's eyes and it broke my heart. I felt so deceitful, even though I knew this was the best thing to do for both of them right then. Just the fact that my heart felt anything was amazing. My heart had been so hard and cold the past few weeks, that I was beginning to think I would never feel again.
At one point, I went out to the waiting room of the hospital to be alone and realized that God had answered my desperate prayer....He helped me find my compassion again and I was so grateful, indeed.
My aunts have adjusted okay to the new facility, which is just a temporary stop before we find long-term placement. I went to see them on Sunday and spent several hours with them and had a blast. I fixed Aunt Brenda's hair, which is a lot like mine....grey, frizzy and curly...I used a Chi flat iron on it and she had never seen her hair so sleek and shiny in all her life~I even put a little make-up on her....I think she really enjoyed the attention. I helped Margie and Brenda eat their dinners since they both had a little trouble with their left hands; Margie because of a stroke and Brenda because her right arm is broken and in a cast.
I don't ever want to lose my compassion again...but if I find myself in that situation...I know God is faithful to answer my prayer and help me discover the compassion that had never left me. Jesus is compassion. Jesus lives inside me. Compassion lives inside me. Good to know :)
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Whole Again...
Well, I must say, it has been one long week without Gary here since a week ago, Saturday! I am so thankful he is home with me again. The first couple of days he was gone were quiet, and I was able to enjoy the "alone" time, as I am a bit of a "loner." However, after day 2, I began wondering around the house aimlessly in search of something that needed to be done....anything! I felt as if a part of me was missing. To make matters worse, I couldn't even talk to him by phone until Friday! Not only was he far away physically, (San Francisco)...I couldn't even hear his voice via cell phone. Then, by Tuesday, I"d taken ill and was not only feeling emotionally empty, but physically weak. I went to the doctor on Wednesday to nip that illness in the bud...and lo and behold, by Wednesday night, I had an allergy attack like none other! Seriously, every time I bent over...my nose and eyes began to leak like a faucet. I have never had allergies like that in my life and let me tell you...it was miserable!
While Gary was gone, I did get to catch up with a few girlfriends and that was very nice. I am thankful for my girlfriends and the time we got to spend together chatting, without feeling the need to get home quickly, or run to the store or cook dinner. I'm also thankful I didn't plan to accomplish any gigantic project like I usually do when Gary leaves town. It was all I could do to get a decent night's sleep this past week.
But today was fabulous. Gary got home last night, we went to dinner and both were tired and slept a great eight hours. He was off today for MLK Day, and I'm so thankful for that. We had such a good time today...went to the matinee' movie...The Book Of Eli...very good...go see it. Then I got to cook him a great meal...seared ribeyes in the dutch oven on the stove top (Julia's recipe), zucchini boats AND a new recipe...Bananas Foster! Oh my! It was good! This Bananas Foster recipe was one I saw on Paula Dean and just wrote down the ingredients and how she did it. Unbelievably easy and OH SO FABULOUS~TASTY! I will definitely be making that one again.
Time alone is good for a couple of days, but there's a reason God said, "...the two shall become one..." When half of me is gone for longer than two days....I am just not myself...not complete....not whole...We belong together and I'm thankful he's home. :)
Oh! And he surprised me big at the airport! He completely shaved off ALL his facial hair! (15 years growing...) I've never seen him without a moustache at least...He looks very young and handsome, indeed! ;)
While Gary was gone, I did get to catch up with a few girlfriends and that was very nice. I am thankful for my girlfriends and the time we got to spend together chatting, without feeling the need to get home quickly, or run to the store or cook dinner. I'm also thankful I didn't plan to accomplish any gigantic project like I usually do when Gary leaves town. It was all I could do to get a decent night's sleep this past week.
But today was fabulous. Gary got home last night, we went to dinner and both were tired and slept a great eight hours. He was off today for MLK Day, and I'm so thankful for that. We had such a good time today...went to the matinee' movie...The Book Of Eli...very good...go see it. Then I got to cook him a great meal...seared ribeyes in the dutch oven on the stove top (Julia's recipe), zucchini boats AND a new recipe...Bananas Foster! Oh my! It was good! This Bananas Foster recipe was one I saw on Paula Dean and just wrote down the ingredients and how she did it. Unbelievably easy and OH SO FABULOUS~TASTY! I will definitely be making that one again.
Time alone is good for a couple of days, but there's a reason God said, "...the two shall become one..." When half of me is gone for longer than two days....I am just not myself...not complete....not whole...We belong together and I'm thankful he's home. :)
Oh! And he surprised me big at the airport! He completely shaved off ALL his facial hair! (15 years growing...) I've never seen him without a moustache at least...He looks very young and handsome, indeed! ;)
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Frustration
I am such a competitive person, it unnerves me sometimes. Most often, I'm competitive within myself. I honestly can't stand it when I can't figure something out. I will try and try and to no avail. Tonight, that "something" is Adobe Photoshop Elements! Grrr! The most frustrating thing is that earlier today, I had it figured out and this evening...nada...nothing....zilch! Total lock down in my head. Stumped and frustrated I sit here and write.
Over the years, I've learned that when I get to a place like this--total frustration--it's just best to stop what I'm trying to do, step back, take a deep breath and do something else---something that comes easy, to wash away that frustration. That's also when I start psycho-analyzining everything that just happened. My conversation might sound something like this with God, "Lord, what am I doing wrong? Why does this have to be so difficult? Why can't I figure this out? I did it earlier today?" etc. etc. As I continue to ask questions like that, and receive no clear answers...my questions change to something like this: "Okay, Lord, is this something you want me to stop doing right now? Is there something else you have for me at this time that might be less difficult? Is there something else I could be doing that pleases You?" etc. etc.
I've found, that I don't stay in that frustrated mode quite as long as I used to and I"m thankful for that. Sometimes, what I need to do is reach out and ask for help, which is not something I feel comfortable doing. My competitive nature comes busting up in my spirit and I think I MUST FIGURE THIS OUT ON MY OWN. I don't think that's God's idea of fellowship, but it's just how I am sometimes.
I needed to step away from the Photoshop program and enter into my "sanctuary" of writing (the blog) so I could release some frustration, vent, analyze and such. You know what? It helped! I'm not going to attempt the photoshop program again tonight. It's too late to be frustrated and try to go to sleep. No I'm content to sit here and type my thoughts and feelings into Cyberspace for all to see. :) (Hi Melissa :)))
The saving grace for me is that I'm enrolled in a Photoshop class at AC that begins next Wednesday and I can't wait! Maybe that's my way of reaching out for help. I need it! I feel confident I will master this program within three months...(oops! there goes that competitive side again.) Oh well, I guess we all need goals, right? :)
Over the years, I've learned that when I get to a place like this--total frustration--it's just best to stop what I'm trying to do, step back, take a deep breath and do something else---something that comes easy, to wash away that frustration. That's also when I start psycho-analyzining everything that just happened. My conversation might sound something like this with God, "Lord, what am I doing wrong? Why does this have to be so difficult? Why can't I figure this out? I did it earlier today?" etc. etc. As I continue to ask questions like that, and receive no clear answers...my questions change to something like this: "Okay, Lord, is this something you want me to stop doing right now? Is there something else you have for me at this time that might be less difficult? Is there something else I could be doing that pleases You?" etc. etc.
I've found, that I don't stay in that frustrated mode quite as long as I used to and I"m thankful for that. Sometimes, what I need to do is reach out and ask for help, which is not something I feel comfortable doing. My competitive nature comes busting up in my spirit and I think I MUST FIGURE THIS OUT ON MY OWN. I don't think that's God's idea of fellowship, but it's just how I am sometimes.
I needed to step away from the Photoshop program and enter into my "sanctuary" of writing (the blog) so I could release some frustration, vent, analyze and such. You know what? It helped! I'm not going to attempt the photoshop program again tonight. It's too late to be frustrated and try to go to sleep. No I'm content to sit here and type my thoughts and feelings into Cyberspace for all to see. :) (Hi Melissa :)))
The saving grace for me is that I'm enrolled in a Photoshop class at AC that begins next Wednesday and I can't wait! Maybe that's my way of reaching out for help. I need it! I feel confident I will master this program within three months...(oops! there goes that competitive side again.) Oh well, I guess we all need goals, right? :)
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Humility and Pride
Hmm? So much could be said about the two words listed above. I bet if I asked 10 people "their" meaning of each word, perhaps I would receive 10 different definitions. Both words bring a strong emotional element when I hear them. I suppose that is because I'm paranoid of pride and in a never-ending search for humility.
Over the years, I've learned some interesting things about pride. How deceiving it can be; just how cunning it really is. That makes me even more paranoid of it! (not really, but, ok...kind of.) Pride is such a double-edged sword. We want to take pride in our children, our work, our family, etc...etc. Yet, the Bible clearly states that pride goes before destruction! No mincing those words, huh? So what's a person to do? How do we act accordingly? How do we keep "fleshly" pride at bay? It's not easy sometimes and I believe it's a tool the enemy uses on every person and every relationship under the sun.
That's where humility comes in. Not false humility, which I have certainly been guilty of. No, a spiritual humility that comes from a grateful heart towards God. When I think about where I USED to be, I get humble quickly. When I think about what Jesus did for me on the Cross, I get humbled instantly. These thoughts are what keep me looking up and not looking back. Oh, I've done my fair share of "looking back" with many regrets, but that's exhausting and got me no where fast. The only reason I look back now is to keep close to my heart what God did in my life about 7 years ago. I am a work in progress and always will be until Heaven. I'm thankful though, that in an instant-pride is dissolved with just a quick thought of where I was and who God is. Humility comes in like a flood and washes away that pride like a tide coming into shore. I love that. I'm grateful for that. :)
Over the years, I've learned some interesting things about pride. How deceiving it can be; just how cunning it really is. That makes me even more paranoid of it! (not really, but, ok...kind of.) Pride is such a double-edged sword. We want to take pride in our children, our work, our family, etc...etc. Yet, the Bible clearly states that pride goes before destruction! No mincing those words, huh? So what's a person to do? How do we act accordingly? How do we keep "fleshly" pride at bay? It's not easy sometimes and I believe it's a tool the enemy uses on every person and every relationship under the sun.
That's where humility comes in. Not false humility, which I have certainly been guilty of. No, a spiritual humility that comes from a grateful heart towards God. When I think about where I USED to be, I get humble quickly. When I think about what Jesus did for me on the Cross, I get humbled instantly. These thoughts are what keep me looking up and not looking back. Oh, I've done my fair share of "looking back" with many regrets, but that's exhausting and got me no where fast. The only reason I look back now is to keep close to my heart what God did in my life about 7 years ago. I am a work in progress and always will be until Heaven. I'm thankful though, that in an instant-pride is dissolved with just a quick thought of where I was and who God is. Humility comes in like a flood and washes away that pride like a tide coming into shore. I love that. I'm grateful for that. :)
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
An Unexpected Meltdown...
It's the new year, the new decade, even! I have big hopes of doing some things differently and making 2010 a better year than 2009. I have to say, 2009 was a great year, so it won't be easy making it much better, but I intend to give it my best effort.
So, I get up today eager to accomplish all of my "to-do" list items. I awake with good energy from a great night's sleep, get Gary off to work and spend some quiet time reading God's Word and praying. So far, it seems like a great morning, but there seems to be this underlying "grrr" in my spirit. Do you know what I'm talking about? For me, it hits subtly about a week before "George" visits me. I try my hardest to keep the "grrr" under a lid, but it just exploded this morning!
I was working on an invitation for the Savior's Tear party coming up later this month. A dear friend had been working diligently on the invitation, but when she emailed it to me, some of the content/format was messed up and I couldn't use it. So, I quickly began forming one myself. The pressure seemed high because I need to get the document to Kinko's to get it printed to deliver to Nickki so she can put the labels on it. Needless to say, I was feeling immense pressure, frustration with my lack of computer/graphic abilities and then to top it off: I couldn't even get my flash drive to insert into the computer! I honestly thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown right then and there! Could anything else possibly go wrong in the matter of a few moments? This was NOT how I'd hoped to start off the new year and especially this day!
I was so angry, I yelled, and screamed for God to help me. I don't think I've been that mad or frustrated in such a long time, it worried me that I was able to get to upset over something so small. My only saving grace is that no one was around to hear the tantrum that I threw--thank goodness!
After my cries to the Lord to HELP ME PLEASE!!!! I stopped for a moment and just sat there, quietly-waiting to hear from the Lord. The files that I needed that were on the flash disk, were also on my computer-I didn't need to mess with the flash disk any longer. So, I got up and sat in the chair calmly and searched my computer and found all the files I needed. I continued on with the document and completed the task at hand.
Now, my analytical self is wondering where all that frustration and anger came from? I don't just get angry and blow up so there must be a root to all of that. I don't have the answer to that question yet, but I'm searching what God has to say. I felt horrible at the way I was acting and asked God to please forgive me. He has and I feel His forgiveness.
I like to be in control of myself and not "loose it", but I guess there are just times a person has to let off some built up steam. Maybe now that it's "out"....I can just go on about my day-grateful that God heard my prayer and my cries for help just when I needed Him the most. Whewww! Thank You, Lord! There will be trials and tribulations for us, but the best thing for me is to cry out to the Lord and then wait to hear what He says. I'm thinking I burned some serious calories during that little outburst, which is the "good" that comes from that! :)
So, I get up today eager to accomplish all of my "to-do" list items. I awake with good energy from a great night's sleep, get Gary off to work and spend some quiet time reading God's Word and praying. So far, it seems like a great morning, but there seems to be this underlying "grrr" in my spirit. Do you know what I'm talking about? For me, it hits subtly about a week before "George" visits me. I try my hardest to keep the "grrr" under a lid, but it just exploded this morning!
I was working on an invitation for the Savior's Tear party coming up later this month. A dear friend had been working diligently on the invitation, but when she emailed it to me, some of the content/format was messed up and I couldn't use it. So, I quickly began forming one myself. The pressure seemed high because I need to get the document to Kinko's to get it printed to deliver to Nickki so she can put the labels on it. Needless to say, I was feeling immense pressure, frustration with my lack of computer/graphic abilities and then to top it off: I couldn't even get my flash drive to insert into the computer! I honestly thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown right then and there! Could anything else possibly go wrong in the matter of a few moments? This was NOT how I'd hoped to start off the new year and especially this day!
I was so angry, I yelled, and screamed for God to help me. I don't think I've been that mad or frustrated in such a long time, it worried me that I was able to get to upset over something so small. My only saving grace is that no one was around to hear the tantrum that I threw--thank goodness!
After my cries to the Lord to HELP ME PLEASE!!!! I stopped for a moment and just sat there, quietly-waiting to hear from the Lord. The files that I needed that were on the flash disk, were also on my computer-I didn't need to mess with the flash disk any longer. So, I got up and sat in the chair calmly and searched my computer and found all the files I needed. I continued on with the document and completed the task at hand.
Now, my analytical self is wondering where all that frustration and anger came from? I don't just get angry and blow up so there must be a root to all of that. I don't have the answer to that question yet, but I'm searching what God has to say. I felt horrible at the way I was acting and asked God to please forgive me. He has and I feel His forgiveness.
I like to be in control of myself and not "loose it", but I guess there are just times a person has to let off some built up steam. Maybe now that it's "out"....I can just go on about my day-grateful that God heard my prayer and my cries for help just when I needed Him the most. Whewww! Thank You, Lord! There will be trials and tribulations for us, but the best thing for me is to cry out to the Lord and then wait to hear what He says. I'm thinking I burned some serious calories during that little outburst, which is the "good" that comes from that! :)
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