Over the past several months, I have been slowly sinking into a depression, but was too ashamed and prideful to admit that. (Shame and pride, not good)...I could put on my happy face and fake it when needed, but more recently, I was having more and more trouble just getting out of bed without crying, thinking of death and pondering my purpose in life. I avoided people, parties, church, everything. I had no joy, passion, love or compassion. All the while, shaming myself for feeling depressed because I am a Christian! (Where does shame come from? That's right...the devil.) I seemed so far away from myself that I didn't recognize who I was becoming. It scared me. So, nine days ago, after again waking up feeling this awful heaviness on me, I decided to call my doctor and go back on an antidepressant. I was reluctant, but also desperate. I knew I could not continue in the direction I was headed.
The horse therapy helped tremendously, but only for a short time because the weather got so cold, I couldn't bear it. Although, I will return to those beautiful, majestic beings.
So, let me get to the good part. Last Sunday, Gary and I heard a man preaching on TV from South Carolina. Ron Carpenter. I'd never seen him before. He had three men get up on stage with him and he named them: The Spirit Man, The Soul Man, and The Physical Man. We are made up of all three. If any one of these entities gets too much focus, we can be out of balance or an area of our life will be neglected. He talked about the Soul Man-our mind, will and emotions. Our "flesh"...that part of us that can be self-absorbed, self-seeking with lots of selfish ambition when running rampant and especially when we are neglecting our Spirit Man. I immediately had a check in my spirit. All this stuff I'd been feeling for the past several weeks had been so selfish...the "what about me?" syndrome had overtaken my thoughts, my will and my emotions. However, there is a part of depression that no matter what you do, you cannot even WILL yourself to get better. I had gotten to that point, but I also was convicted about my Soul Man being out of balance. Monday morning, I woke up and again, felt no purpose for living and had a difficult time getting out of bed. I had bouts of crying, apathetic, and hopeless at times. Gary left for four days on a business trip and that left me feeling alone even more. So, at this point, I am thankful I decided to get on the antidepressant to physically pull me out of this deep, dark hole. However, it had only been 6 days prior that I began taking it and it says to allow 2-3 weeks for a person to feel the effects. Could I hang on that long?
I had lost the desire for true quiet time with God, i.e., reading His word and my daily devotional and being still. I dreaded my prayer closet because I was afraid if I knelt down and began talking to God, I would "lose it."
Tuesday rolls around and I have several errands I need to run, but could accomplish them after lunch. I again have a difficult time getting out of bed and finding a purpose for the day, but finally manage. I eat a healthy breakfast and piddle around the house and turn on a taped Joyce Myer episode from October, 2009. She's talking about NOT living by our emotions...hmm? God is speaking. I'm listening. She speaks about our "flesh" and how it can get out of control and all we can think about is ourselves, our issues, our pain, etc. Then we start living by our emotions rather than the Word of God, which can separate the soul from the spirit. Oh, this was speaking to me, loudly.
It seems for such a long time, I've been searching for my exact purpose, what was I supposed to do with my life, I need to be doing something, etc...did you notice that God is not mentioned in that sentence I just spoke? All that searching was my flesh acting up. My flesh has been searching for my purpose and has prevented me from seeing God's purpose. I went to my closet and got on my knees and God and I had a huge counseling session. I begged Him to kill my flesh! I finally saw my flesh for it's true self! Self-seeking, selfish, self-absorbed, carnal, lusting the world and the list goes on. That day, in my closet, God crucified my flesh in a big way and I am the better for it. It's one thing to know something, its another to get a revelation about it. I knew in my head that my flesh was selfish, but when I got the revelation that my flesh had been leading me, pulling me, pushing me, all in the wrong directions, I immediately wanted it to DIE! God answered my prayers, as He is so faithful to answer our prayers that line up with His will.
The next morning, (yesterday), I awoke, cautiously looked around, and realized I felt a purpose for my life. I was not thinking about death, and hopelessness. I had no desire to weep uncontrollably. I smiled and said to God, "I feel good today, Lord. The heaviness is gone." I feel like a new person, truly. I sang out loud to the radio, I got things done with joy and I once again felt compassion and love in my heart for others and myself...but in a good way :) I thank God for once again, delivering me and saving me from myself. He is faithful and true and just and He desires good things for His children.
The flesh is a cunning entity. If left untamed, it will run wild and have you running in all different directions; all leading away from God. I don't think that EVERYTHING about the flesh is bad; having emotions is actually a good thing...but when they start to rule your life, your decisions, your path...the flesh has gone too far. The world and everything in it is constantly luring our flesh. Our flesh is weak, but the Spirit is strong. Be strong in the Lord.
"For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever." I John 2:16-17
