When God says, "No."

I thoroughly enjoy Beth Moore's Bible Studies...all of them.  I continue to be amazed at how this woman of God can take Scripture and stories we've heard for many years about characters in the Bible and make them literally come to life before my eyes!  She is truly anointed as a teacher and I am thankful for the blessing of studying the Word with her.

A couple of weeks ago, Beth was winding down her hour long video after talking about the different "levels" of relationship Jesus had with others and how we are to model our relationships after Him.  Imagine five circles, each getting smaller and smaller.  The smallest circle in the middle depicted the relationship of Jesus to God.  His innermost relationship of all relationships.  Jesus had his 12 disciples that he took with him, but sometimes, he took just his three closest disciples, Peter, James and John.  But even still, there were times when he asked them to pray for Him and He went further still, with God and God alone.  There are times when even our closest friend or spouse is not what we need-we need to go closer inward with God...all by ourselves.

Have you ever had God say "no" to something you prayed for fervently?  Have you ever begged God to heal someone and He said, "no?"  I imagine we all have.  For the past five years, I have wondered "why?" to the death of Norm, the night before my wedding.  Norm, in case you didn't know, became like a father figure to me after the Lord put us together so I could give Norm a kidney.  He needed a kidney and I needed a father figure.  It was an amazing miracle of sorts and he was an amazing man.  Sadly, he started to reject the kidney about two weeks before our wedding.  His kidney had already stopped working for him a few months before and he was back on dialysis, which was a heartbreak all in itself.  But to remove a kidney was routine and the doctors felt it best since his body was rejecting it.  After the surgery, his arteries and veins began to bleed and the doctors had to go in several different times to repair them and stop the bleeding.  His condition was up and down literally from day to day.  At first, I believed he would get well and be home in a few days and would certainly be able to walk me down the aisle as we'd planned.  After a few days went by and his condition never stabilized, my prayers changed to, "Lord, please heal him and allow him to come home and attend the wedding, if even in a wheelchair."  As the days inched closer to our wedding, and Norm's condition continued to deteriorate, my prayers turned to desperation..."Lord, please let Norm live and make it through this!"

It was not to be.  We lost Norm the evening before our wedding, May 27, 2006.  God's answer was "no."  There was no bargaining, no exceptions...just an emphatic, "no."  Guilt, that my kidney failed Norm, set in.  The enemy was quick to pounce on an already wounded heart.  Devastation doesn't even begin to describe the way I felt.  I wondered if I was being punished for my past sins; I wondered if I was not supposed to get married the next day; I wondered "why?" for a very long time.  Years, in fact.

Two weeks ago in Bible Study, the Lord gently spoke to me using Beth Moore as a mouthpiece.  She said, "When God says no, it's because in that "no" is your greater purpose in life.  Something that God says "no" to will change your life forever and THAT is part of the greater purpose of your life."  That sounds so simplistic, but to me, it was beautiful music to my ears.  Having had the opportunities to share my testimony with others in the past year, I realize that the "no" God handed me the day before my wedding has caused me to search for Him more intently...desire Him more....and know Him more deeply. 

I can't explain why that simple statement gave me such peace about the years of wondering "why?" but it did.  It's effect was immediate and it penetrated deeply to my Spirit.  It was a Word, I believe, from God to me.  I thank God and Beth Moore for delivering it because it has given me freedom in some unbelievable ways! 

So, remember. . .when God says "no," --  after the suffering of the "no," go to God in search of your greater purpose from that "no."  Don't let the enemy shut you down like he did me.  Get up after the grieving and ask God what His purpose is through that "no". . .He will be delighted to tell you.

They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.   Revelation 12:11

RADICAL by David Platt

     Have you ever read a book that really messed with you?  I'm in the middle of one right now, Radical by David Platt..."Taking Back My Faith from the American Dream"....

     Sometimes the word "radical" has such a negative connotation that we don't want to use it, especially associated with religion, but if we read the Bible and accept it as absolute Truth...we realize, IT IS RADICAL!   For instance, in Mark 10:17-31, when a rich, young man asks Jesus what he must do to have eternal life...Jesus tells him about the commandments to keep-do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your mother and father. . . and the young man says he has done all these things since he was a boy, (so far, it's looking pretty good for this guy to go to Heaven), however, Jesus then says, "One thing you lack, go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in Heaven, then come follow Me."  Uh oh, that's where the young man turned away sad....this young man had acquired great wealth and apparently, the thought of giving up all that to follow Jesus and have eternal life was just too much for him to bear.  Ouch.  Big O' American Ouch!

      If you think about it, the American Dream does not line up with the Gospel.  Many times, Jesus tells people to leave their home, their family, their possessions and take up their cross and follow Him.  When I think of people that do that, they fall in the "missionary" category, but not in the everyday people category, which is where I land.

     Two years prior to going on a mission trip to Nicaragua in June, 2008, I had been "jokingly" telling Gary that "we should sell everything and move to Costa Rica and become missionaries."  I said this in an effort to run from the "rat race" we seemed to be in over here.  After our mission trip, I knew deeply in my heart that we, here in America, were somehow, "missing the mark" of what God wanted for His children.  I didn't believe God wanted His children to be stressed day in and day out, to not sleep at night, to constantly wonder if what we were doing was what we were supposed to be doing...but it's difficult to NOT get caught up in the American Rat Race...its a phenomenon, to say the least. 

   What I saw over there changed my heart.  I knew I wanted to stay involved with Savior's Tear Ministry in some capacity from then on.  When I'd been back in America for some time, slowly, but surely, the severity of what I saw diminished in my memory.  It became clouded and veiled by all that goes on over here in America...such as, total immersion in "wanting more" by seeing or hearing thousands of commercials a week, whether on radio, TV, billboards, you name it.  Or by trying to keep up with the Joneses.  I am guilty of it all, and most definitely, ashamed of myself.

One scene that has never left my memory from the horrific dump grounds of Managua, Nicaragua was a young little boy, dirty from head to toe, but smiling from ear to ear.  I thought to myself, "Lord, what on Earth does this little boy have to be smiling about while running around in this horrible dump ground?"  Do you know what the Lord replied?  He said, "Dawn, this little boy has everything he needs for today.  He doesn't know to want more because he hasn't seen "more."  His needs are being met today and he is perfectly content and full of joy."  Another big Ouch!

Reading the book Radical has taken me back to that place in my heart that I felt while in Nicaragua.  I loved that place, although heart-breaking at times, it was motivating to me.  I want to be motivated any way I can be to help the poor.  We, over here in America, are filthy rich compared to the rest of the world.  Why is it so unbalanced, God?. . . God says to me rhetorically, "I don't know, Dawn, why is it?"

I want to be a Radical, Jesus Freak, who makes a difference in this world.  I can't sit idly by hoping someone else will do something.  I have been blessed beyond belief. Why?  To give generously to the poor and bring glory to God's name.  Pretty simple calling, huh?  Want to join me?  Read the book Radical and join us for a discussion at Leal's Restaurant on Thursday, March 10th at 12:00 noon.  Everyone is welcome . . .I hope to see you there!

God. . .Alone

I just finished Session 3 of Beth Moore's study on David.  Bam!!! Did God speak right to my heart using Beth's mouth!  Before Bible Study tonight, as I was getting ready...an issue rose up in my mind and I began playing it out....you know, when you have a conversation with a person you need to address and you have the conversation out loud?  Yea, one of those.  lol....  During my "one-person" conversation, everything I was saying was right on...I was pleading my case and winning! lol!  So, by the time I left for Bible Study, it was resolved.  I was right and they would have to live with that....

Then Beth starts her spill about this VERY issue...asking us, the audience if anyone has ever done that?  You know, you get this obsessive thought and you analyze it every which way and you win when it's all said and done...?  Yep, God was calling me out right there as I sat on the couch at Bible study.

Here's the bottom line and what I learned tonight:  GOD ALONE will defend me.  GOD ALONE will defend my honor.  I don't have to fight for it, He will do it for me.

Have you ever felt you had to defend your position because you knew deep down you were right?  Did you take matters into your own hands trying to defend that position?  I know I've done this countless times.  Next time, I'm going to allow God to be my Defender.

  My victory and my honor come from God alone.  

He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.  

Psalm 62:7

Knowledge is power. . .

     Knowledge IS power!  I am so happy to say that as I take a more proactive role in my health, I feel much more EMPOWERED!  I love that!  In an earlier post, I noted that I wanted to get my body fat down to 25% by March.  So far, I've lost 5 pounds and about 1.5% body fat.  Well, what I didn't mention in that earlier post is that for the past 5 years, I've been a natural laxative addict! :)  (You might want to stop reading this if you're uncomfortable with body-speak.) lol!

     Okay, so without too many details, one of the aspects of my health I knew I needed to address in this new year is this addiction to natural Senna...which is a laxative.  All of this addiction started after my surgery in 2004...my colon just went to sleep and couldn't "wake-up", so a doctor prescribed a medication to get my colon to wake up and get moving...however, I didn't want to become dependent on the prescription med, so I began taking a "natural laxative, i.e. Senna" via tea.  It worked!  However, the longer I took it, the more I needed....then I added Senna tablets at night along with the tea, then more tablets and more, until I was up to FIVE a night, PLUS the tea!  Oh my goodness, an addiction had been born!  So, on the suggestions of two dear friends, Tammy and Kathy, I decided to visit
ICAM (Integrated Complementary Alternative Medicine) www.icamamarillo.com
468-4616

      For many years, I believe that I have been putting toxins into my body through, chemicals, tobacco, alcohol, processed foods, sugar (lots), my beloved diet cokes, fake sugar, medications, etc. etc....  Many years ago, when my mom was being treated for breast cancer with chemo, I saw how sick she was during her treatments and thought to myself, "how could something so toxic be good for her?"  It didn't make sense.  I know chemotherapy has come a LONG way since the mid '80's and I'm so thankful for that, but it is still a toxin.

     So, back to the reason I went to ICAM and the reason for the title of this post:  Knowing that my odds go up to contract breast cancer because my mom had it and it was found when she about 48 years old, I decided I wanted to take a MUCH MORE proactive role in my health and well-being NOW, and thwart the possibility of that dreaded disease from manifesting in my body.  The first action was to find out what my levels of Estrogen, Progesterone and Testosterone are.  With depression and profound PMS symptoms, I figured that would be a great place to start.  I learned (gathering more knowledge), that the actual levels of those hormones cannot accurately be determined just through a blood test.  A saliva test was needed to give the most accurate level of those particular hormones.  Excessive Estrogen has been linked to breast cancer....hmm?  I need to know NOW if my Estrogen level is too high.  That would be very pertinent information for a daughter who's mother died of breast cancer at the age of 51, wouldn't it?  However, conventional medical professionals have never explained to me that information OR that a saliva test is needed to accurately test the level of that hormone.   Maybe they disagree with that information. Who knows?

    Next, I gave 10 vials of blood away Monday to be tested for just about everything under the sun, literally.  I go back to ICAM on January 24th to find out all the results of these tests and I am very excited to hear, BECAUSE, with all that information, I will learn what condition my body is in-- in just about every area.  I will learn what vitamins, minerals, and foods, (that God created), I need to maintain a healthy body that is capable of fighting off disease.

     So why would I be sharing all this information on a blog post?  Because I know women read this post.  When I posted about depression, I got many response emails and I suspect many woman have had similar problems/symptoms as I have.  I share this information with you to encourage YOU to take a proactive role in your health as well.  God created the Earth and I am beginning to understand that the fruits, vegetables and plants He created were for us to be nourished and healthy and disease-free!  He's a perfect God, Who created a perfect Earth....it is Man who messed it up. The less man processes His stuff, the better it is for us...  He is a wonderful Creator, isn't He?

     As for the problem I mentioned earlier in my post, things are moving along much better. :)

And what union can there be between God's temple and idols?  

For WE ARE the temple of the living God.  As God said:  "I will live in them

and walk among them.  I will be their God and they will be My people."  

2 Corinthians 6:16 NLT

A New Year. . .

So, 2011 came in quietly and without event.  Gary had contracted the dreaded "junk" that was being passed around his office and felt crummy, although he stayed awake with me to watch the ball drop in NYC!  (Even though it was only 11:00, I appreciated his effort tremendously.)

My last post reads sad at first, then gradually gets better.  It's always so astounding to me as I go back and read a post from weeks before.  I'm amazed at where I can be on one day, and where I might be three weeks later.  I better not ponder that thought too long...my analytical mind will have me diagnosed with ALL kinds of things! lol!

I've never been one to make many New Year's resolutions...probably because I was never good at keeping them and I didn't like the feeling of "defeat" I got from not being able to keep them.  So, as 2011 rolls in, I'm just going to proclaim a few things, in the Name of Jesus:

1)  I proclaim to learn and know who I am in Christ, without any doubts-EVER! (I am seriously getting so tired of this back and forth battle with the enemy.  I'm going to let him have it this year!)
2)  I proclaim to stop worrying so much about others and letting people be responsible for themselves.  (I mean this in a good way :)
3) I proclaim to be authentic, honest, and loving to myself and others...whatever the cost.  (I apologize in advance if my honesty is ever too brutal.  I intend to do honesty in love.)
4)  I proclaim to take a proactive role in my health and well-being- physically, mentally and spiritually. And I intend to learn much more about natural medicine and homeopathic healing. ( I also intend to get my body fat to 25% by March 15, 2011.)

I've only mentioned a few of my "proclamations", but these are the first ones that come to mind.  I believe with all my heart that 2011 will be a year of revelation, freedom and sincerity.  I look forward to God's revelations, His purposes for Gary and me and for His love in everything.

God has blessed me beyond belief and I owe all the praise and honor and glory to Him.  He IS the God of the Universe! 

Oh and Get ready!  He's coming back!

Happy New Year Blessings to You!

More Dying to Self and My Flesh. . .

If I live for no other reason than to go through some kind of hell on earth and gain an ounce of wisdom and revelation from it to share right here, then my life has been worth it.  I have been through one of those times recently and have come to the surface to see Light again.  Thank God.

Over the past several months, I have been slowly sinking into a depression, but was too ashamed and prideful to admit that. (Shame and pride, not good)...I could put on my happy face and fake it when needed, but more recently, I was having more and more trouble just getting out of bed without crying, thinking of death and pondering my purpose in life.  I avoided people, parties, church, everything.  I had no joy, passion, love or compassion.  All the while, shaming myself for feeling depressed because I am a Christian!  (Where does shame come from?  That's right...the devil.) I seemed so far away from myself that I didn't recognize who I was becoming.  It scared me.  So, nine days ago, after again waking up feeling this awful heaviness on me, I decided to call my doctor and go back on an antidepressant.  I was reluctant, but also desperate.   I knew I could not continue in the direction I was headed.

The horse therapy helped tremendously, but only for a short time because the weather got so cold, I couldn't bear it.  Although, I will return to those beautiful, majestic beings.

So, let me get to the good part.  Last Sunday, Gary and I heard a man preaching on TV from South Carolina.  Ron Carpenter.  I'd never seen him before.  He had three men get up on stage with him and he named them:  The Spirit Man, The Soul Man, and The Physical Man.  We are made up of all three.  If any one of these entities gets too much focus, we can be out of balance or an area of our life will be neglected.  He talked about the Soul Man-our mind, will and emotions.  Our "flesh"...that part of us that can be self-absorbed, self-seeking with lots of selfish ambition when running rampant and especially when we are neglecting our Spirit Man.  I immediately had a check in my spirit.  All this stuff I'd been feeling for the past several weeks had been so selfish...the "what about me?" syndrome had overtaken my thoughts, my will and my emotions.  However, there is a part of depression that no matter what you do, you cannot even WILL yourself to get better.  I had gotten to that point, but I also was convicted about my Soul Man being out of balance.  Monday morning, I woke up and again, felt no purpose for living and had a difficult time getting out of bed.  I had bouts of crying, apathetic, and hopeless at times.  Gary left for four days on a business trip and that left me feeling alone even more.  So, at this point, I am thankful I decided to get on the antidepressant to physically pull me out of this deep, dark hole.  However, it had only been 6 days prior that I began taking it and it says to allow 2-3 weeks for a person to feel the effects.  Could I hang on that long?

I had lost the desire for true quiet time with God, i.e., reading His word and my daily devotional and being still.  I dreaded my prayer closet because I was afraid if I knelt down and began talking to God, I would "lose it."

Tuesday rolls around and I have several errands I need to run, but could accomplish them after lunch.  I again have a difficult time getting out of bed and finding a purpose for the day, but finally manage.  I eat a healthy breakfast and piddle around the house and turn on a taped Joyce Myer episode from October, 2009.  She's talking about NOT living by our emotions...hmm?  God is speaking.  I'm listening.  She speaks about our "flesh" and how it can get out of control and all we can think about is ourselves, our issues, our pain, etc.  Then we start living by our emotions rather than the Word of God, which can separate the soul from the spirit.  Oh, this was speaking to me, loudly.

It seems for such a long time, I've been searching for my exact purpose, what was I supposed to do with my life, I need to be doing something, etc...did you notice that God is not mentioned in that sentence I just spoke?  All that searching was my flesh acting up.  My flesh has been searching for my purpose and has prevented me from seeing God's purpose.  I went to my closet and got on my knees and God and I had a huge counseling session.  I begged Him to kill my flesh!  I finally saw my flesh for it's true self!  Self-seeking, selfish, self-absorbed, carnal, lusting the world and the list goes on.  That day, in my closet, God crucified my flesh in a big way and I am the better for it.  It's one thing to know something, its another to get a revelation about it.  I knew in my head that my flesh was selfish, but when I got the revelation that my flesh had been leading me, pulling me, pushing me, all in the wrong directions, I immediately wanted it to DIE!  God answered my prayers, as He is so faithful to answer our prayers that line up with His will.

The next morning, (yesterday), I awoke, cautiously looked around,  and realized I felt a purpose for my life.  I was not thinking about death, and hopelessness.  I had no desire to weep uncontrollably.  I smiled and said to God, "I feel good today, Lord.  The heaviness is gone."  I feel like a new person, truly.  I sang out loud to the radio, I got things done with joy and I once again felt compassion and love in my heart for others and myself...but in a good way :)  I thank God for once again, delivering me and saving me from myself.  He is faithful and true and just and He desires good things for His children.

The flesh is a cunning entity.  If left untamed, it will run wild and have you running in all different directions; all leading away from God.  I don't think that EVERYTHING about the flesh is bad; having emotions is actually a good thing...but when they start to rule your life, your decisions, your path...the flesh has gone too far. The world and everything in it is constantly luring our flesh.  Our flesh is weak, but the Spirit is strong.  Be strong in the Lord.

"For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions.  These are not from the Father, but are from this world.  And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave.  But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever."  I John 2:16-17

Horse Heaven

The strangest obsession has come over me in the past few months...although it subtly began over two years ago.  In September, 2008, I attended a retreat south of Lubbock called Soul Purpose Experience...a small group of five women attended that weekend and we had lots of group discussion about our purpose in life, what we loved to do, etc...etc.  The setting was a beautiful ranch with gorgeous horses who were our co-counselors for the weekend.  We never rode the horses, but got in a small pen with them and spent time with them.  It was then that I fell head over heals with a striking Paint horse named Prince.  I had the opportunity to take photos of those beautiful horses that weekend and ever since then, have been on a journey to continue to photograph beautiful horses.

This past year, I took notice of a location at Bell and I-27 where there are about 20 horses roaming around Horseshoe Lake.  It's a beautiful setting for horses to strut around....the lake, the trees, the open pasture for them....I have been mesmerized by those horses for some time now and would occasionally stop and take pictures of them.  The fence was usually in the way, though and I could never get a great shot.  One day, the owner of the horses approached me while I was gawking at those beautiful, majestic creatures and I asked if he minded me taking their pictures.  He assured me he didn't and I could even get in there with them if I wanted.  That was about the jest of the conversation and ever since then, I continued to drive by, hoping to get a glimpse of those gorgeous horses.

The more I thought about them and drove by to see them, the more I wanted to be close to them...really close; not just to photograph them, but to touch them...  So after several mornings of prayer and asking God to let me know if He has heard my prayers and was interested in them at all...I cried out for Him to show me He WAS in fact interested in the smallest details of my life...even the detail of the fact that I longed to be near those horses.  There, in the middle of my living room while I lay on my back, tears streaming out the corners of my eyes, God gently said, "Get up, put your boots on and go over there."  "Really, Lord?" I asked.  "Yes, put your boots on and go over there, right now."  I jumped up and ran to my closet and put my only pair of cowboy boots on.....dressed, etc. and drove over to that location.  On the way over, I explained to the Lord that I needed to see the owner so I could ask him if I could help with his horses....(as if God didn't already have everything planned out...)  Sure enough, I pulled up and there was the owner's truck.  Long story short....I explained to him my deep need to be with horses and asked if he needed any help with them, such as grooming, brushing, etc....He said he needed help with them all the time!  What an answered prayer!  I was so happy to hear that!

As the day wore on, I learned that I had met this man several years ago in a Lifegroup and he's married to a girl from Sunray, my hometown!  In fact, her sister and I were in the same class!  Good grief, it's a small world!

What I am most amazed at is how I feel when I am in the presence of these horses.  I wondered and wondered why they had such an impact on me and finally decided that the very words I'd use to describe God are the words I would use to describe a horse....strong, majestic, powerful, yet gentle, mysterious, spiritual, intuitive, and loving.  I'm in Horse Heaven while brushing their coats, detangling and braiding their manes and tails, talking softly in their ears....and sometimes it's not so glamorous, but I wouldn't trade the time I spend with them for anything.

I am grateful beyond measure for this man allowing me to be with his horses and I hope I am really helping him out...because being with those horses has been the best therapy I've had in years....:)  God really does care about the tiniest details of our life....that's some good news.

P.S. The verse above in the photograph is hard to read...It's Job 39:19-21