More Dying to Self and My Flesh. . .

If I live for no other reason than to go through some kind of hell on earth and gain an ounce of wisdom and revelation from it to share right here, then my life has been worth it.  I have been through one of those times recently and have come to the surface to see Light again.  Thank God.

Over the past several months, I have been slowly sinking into a depression, but was too ashamed and prideful to admit that. (Shame and pride, not good)...I could put on my happy face and fake it when needed, but more recently, I was having more and more trouble just getting out of bed without crying, thinking of death and pondering my purpose in life.  I avoided people, parties, church, everything.  I had no joy, passion, love or compassion.  All the while, shaming myself for feeling depressed because I am a Christian!  (Where does shame come from?  That's right...the devil.) I seemed so far away from myself that I didn't recognize who I was becoming.  It scared me.  So, nine days ago, after again waking up feeling this awful heaviness on me, I decided to call my doctor and go back on an antidepressant.  I was reluctant, but also desperate.   I knew I could not continue in the direction I was headed.

The horse therapy helped tremendously, but only for a short time because the weather got so cold, I couldn't bear it.  Although, I will return to those beautiful, majestic beings.

So, let me get to the good part.  Last Sunday, Gary and I heard a man preaching on TV from South Carolina.  Ron Carpenter.  I'd never seen him before.  He had three men get up on stage with him and he named them:  The Spirit Man, The Soul Man, and The Physical Man.  We are made up of all three.  If any one of these entities gets too much focus, we can be out of balance or an area of our life will be neglected.  He talked about the Soul Man-our mind, will and emotions.  Our "flesh"...that part of us that can be self-absorbed, self-seeking with lots of selfish ambition when running rampant and especially when we are neglecting our Spirit Man.  I immediately had a check in my spirit.  All this stuff I'd been feeling for the past several weeks had been so selfish...the "what about me?" syndrome had overtaken my thoughts, my will and my emotions.  However, there is a part of depression that no matter what you do, you cannot even WILL yourself to get better.  I had gotten to that point, but I also was convicted about my Soul Man being out of balance.  Monday morning, I woke up and again, felt no purpose for living and had a difficult time getting out of bed.  I had bouts of crying, apathetic, and hopeless at times.  Gary left for four days on a business trip and that left me feeling alone even more.  So, at this point, I am thankful I decided to get on the antidepressant to physically pull me out of this deep, dark hole.  However, it had only been 6 days prior that I began taking it and it says to allow 2-3 weeks for a person to feel the effects.  Could I hang on that long?

I had lost the desire for true quiet time with God, i.e., reading His word and my daily devotional and being still.  I dreaded my prayer closet because I was afraid if I knelt down and began talking to God, I would "lose it."

Tuesday rolls around and I have several errands I need to run, but could accomplish them after lunch.  I again have a difficult time getting out of bed and finding a purpose for the day, but finally manage.  I eat a healthy breakfast and piddle around the house and turn on a taped Joyce Myer episode from October, 2009.  She's talking about NOT living by our emotions...hmm?  God is speaking.  I'm listening.  She speaks about our "flesh" and how it can get out of control and all we can think about is ourselves, our issues, our pain, etc.  Then we start living by our emotions rather than the Word of God, which can separate the soul from the spirit.  Oh, this was speaking to me, loudly.

It seems for such a long time, I've been searching for my exact purpose, what was I supposed to do with my life, I need to be doing something, etc...did you notice that God is not mentioned in that sentence I just spoke?  All that searching was my flesh acting up.  My flesh has been searching for my purpose and has prevented me from seeing God's purpose.  I went to my closet and got on my knees and God and I had a huge counseling session.  I begged Him to kill my flesh!  I finally saw my flesh for it's true self!  Self-seeking, selfish, self-absorbed, carnal, lusting the world and the list goes on.  That day, in my closet, God crucified my flesh in a big way and I am the better for it.  It's one thing to know something, its another to get a revelation about it.  I knew in my head that my flesh was selfish, but when I got the revelation that my flesh had been leading me, pulling me, pushing me, all in the wrong directions, I immediately wanted it to DIE!  God answered my prayers, as He is so faithful to answer our prayers that line up with His will.

The next morning, (yesterday), I awoke, cautiously looked around,  and realized I felt a purpose for my life.  I was not thinking about death, and hopelessness.  I had no desire to weep uncontrollably.  I smiled and said to God, "I feel good today, Lord.  The heaviness is gone."  I feel like a new person, truly.  I sang out loud to the radio, I got things done with joy and I once again felt compassion and love in my heart for others and myself...but in a good way :)  I thank God for once again, delivering me and saving me from myself.  He is faithful and true and just and He desires good things for His children.

The flesh is a cunning entity.  If left untamed, it will run wild and have you running in all different directions; all leading away from God.  I don't think that EVERYTHING about the flesh is bad; having emotions is actually a good thing...but when they start to rule your life, your decisions, your path...the flesh has gone too far. The world and everything in it is constantly luring our flesh.  Our flesh is weak, but the Spirit is strong.  Be strong in the Lord.

"For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions.  These are not from the Father, but are from this world.  And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave.  But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever."  I John 2:16-17

Horse Heaven

The strangest obsession has come over me in the past few months...although it subtly began over two years ago.  In September, 2008, I attended a retreat south of Lubbock called Soul Purpose Experience...a small group of five women attended that weekend and we had lots of group discussion about our purpose in life, what we loved to do, etc...etc.  The setting was a beautiful ranch with gorgeous horses who were our co-counselors for the weekend.  We never rode the horses, but got in a small pen with them and spent time with them.  It was then that I fell head over heals with a striking Paint horse named Prince.  I had the opportunity to take photos of those beautiful horses that weekend and ever since then, have been on a journey to continue to photograph beautiful horses.

This past year, I took notice of a location at Bell and I-27 where there are about 20 horses roaming around Horseshoe Lake.  It's a beautiful setting for horses to strut around....the lake, the trees, the open pasture for them....I have been mesmerized by those horses for some time now and would occasionally stop and take pictures of them.  The fence was usually in the way, though and I could never get a great shot.  One day, the owner of the horses approached me while I was gawking at those beautiful, majestic creatures and I asked if he minded me taking their pictures.  He assured me he didn't and I could even get in there with them if I wanted.  That was about the jest of the conversation and ever since then, I continued to drive by, hoping to get a glimpse of those gorgeous horses.

The more I thought about them and drove by to see them, the more I wanted to be close to them...really close; not just to photograph them, but to touch them...  So after several mornings of prayer and asking God to let me know if He has heard my prayers and was interested in them at all...I cried out for Him to show me He WAS in fact interested in the smallest details of my life...even the detail of the fact that I longed to be near those horses.  There, in the middle of my living room while I lay on my back, tears streaming out the corners of my eyes, God gently said, "Get up, put your boots on and go over there."  "Really, Lord?" I asked.  "Yes, put your boots on and go over there, right now."  I jumped up and ran to my closet and put my only pair of cowboy boots on.....dressed, etc. and drove over to that location.  On the way over, I explained to the Lord that I needed to see the owner so I could ask him if I could help with his horses....(as if God didn't already have everything planned out...)  Sure enough, I pulled up and there was the owner's truck.  Long story short....I explained to him my deep need to be with horses and asked if he needed any help with them, such as grooming, brushing, etc....He said he needed help with them all the time!  What an answered prayer!  I was so happy to hear that!

As the day wore on, I learned that I had met this man several years ago in a Lifegroup and he's married to a girl from Sunray, my hometown!  In fact, her sister and I were in the same class!  Good grief, it's a small world!

What I am most amazed at is how I feel when I am in the presence of these horses.  I wondered and wondered why they had such an impact on me and finally decided that the very words I'd use to describe God are the words I would use to describe a horse....strong, majestic, powerful, yet gentle, mysterious, spiritual, intuitive, and loving.  I'm in Horse Heaven while brushing their coats, detangling and braiding their manes and tails, talking softly in their ears....and sometimes it's not so glamorous, but I wouldn't trade the time I spend with them for anything.

I am grateful beyond measure for this man allowing me to be with his horses and I hope I am really helping him out...because being with those horses has been the best therapy I've had in years....:)  God really does care about the tiniest details of our life....that's some good news.

P.S. The verse above in the photograph is hard to read...It's Job 39:19-21

Depression and Perfection. . .

I just need to write here today.  Although its difficult for me to admit that I'm having a hard time because it seems my "job" is to always be up and cheerful and healthy.  Well, the past few days I've not felt so well, seasonal stuff, but it really gets me down to not feel well.  But there is such a two-edged sword here that I'm dealing with:  1) I feel my role is to be Gary's healthy wife, so 2) what do I do if I'm having a bad health day?  Can you believe I'm having such a hard time with that?  I believe what I'm dealing with here is a root of perfection.  Not a stranger to me at all.  I thought that root had been pulled up, but that was another "P" word=Performance! :)

I despise how the enemy can torment me when I don't feel well.  Literally DESPISE it!  Because I haven't felt well, the enemy comes in like a flood and with one big swoop, tries to convince me that I'm no good AT ALL!  Does he ever do that to you?  So, by the end of the day, I don't feel well physically, and I don't feel well emotionally either.  In fact, the spirit of depression has settled in to make a home right on top of me!  Depression is a coy thing to me.  I realize hormones, physical activity, food we eat, etc...all play a part in the effects of depression, but I also believe it has a spiritual root as well.  Especially if one leaves a door open for it to come on in.

I'd like today to be a better day than yesterday.  However, I feel weak physically and emotionally--meaning, I can't do it on my own.  I must surrender this to the Lord and allow His Holy Spirit to take over me in every aspect.  I pray He takes every thought captive and align them with His will.  I pray for a grateful attitude despite how I "feel"....the reality is:  I am a child of the most High King, the God of the Universe, a Royal Priest....with God for me, who can be against me?  Not satan...he's nothing to God and me.  But here's the deal, I have to allow myself the freedom to have a "bad" day and not feel the pressure to have "perfect" days...That's just too much to live up to.  God is perfect...I'm not!

"Busy" . . . a new four-letter word

"Hey Dawn, how ya been?"  Oh fine, just busy!.....How many times have you heard that answer?  I have lost count...literally, lost count.  For the past couple of years, it seems that is the trite answer from everyone!  I'd ask someone the question, "how ya doin?", and literally expect them to say...."oh, just busy," and they did!

It seems to me, in the spirit world, the enemy has ever-so-gently laid a veil over us, Americans for sure, but possibly the entire world...a veil of busyness.  Even I, a homemaker with no time-clock to punch everyday, have felt this same "busyness" that people who work 70 hours a week feel...doesn't that seem a little suspicious to anyone?  EVERYONE IS SO BUSY!

What really amazes me, is that when I think about my parents' generation and my grandparents' generation...I don't remember ever hearing that answer to the question, "How are you?"  I really can't remember that at all.  What I do remember is that, during the summer, my aunts and their lady friends on the block would sit around the kitchen table for hours during the day, drinking iced tea and smoking cigarettes while they told us kids to go outside and play....goodness!  I don't see any of that happening today, ever!

It's also remarkable to me that today, we have more conveniences than ever before in the history of time.  Literally, at our fingertips, we can shop online, order pictures, pay bills, just about anything a person might need, is at the tips of their fingertips 24/7, 365 days a year!  So, why then today, do we have so much less time to visit with people, accomplish everyday errands, spend quiet time with God and even just be a family?  Isn't that mind-boggling?  What is going on here, people?

My theory, as I mentioned earlier, is that the veil of deception and busyness is covering our eyes and ears to the truth.  So, we continue on with our day-to-day activities in a robotic fashion to the point of utter desensitization.  We THINK this normal, because everyone beside us is doing the same thing!  If we're not "BUSY"...then what are we doing?  Just lying around on the couch eating bon-bons everyday?  Huh?  We've all got to be BUSY or we might seem like we're loafing!

Well, today, at lunch, my friend Tammy and I discussed this very issue and we've decided we may have a part in this....I believe that words have the power of life and death...Proverbs 18:21 says The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences. NLT~~I believe that every time I've said, "Oh, I'm just busy, so busy," I have opened the door for the enemy to usher in his little "Busy Demon" to torment me, push me faster, and devour the sweet time God has given me.  So, today~I commit the word B-U-S-Y into the dictionary of four-letter words; and we all know what's in there:  BAD WORDS WE DON'T WANT TO SAY! :)  I pray God will convict my heart to think before I speak the four-letter word.... " _usy" so as NOT to give the enemy an open-door policy with my time, energy or attitude...

From now on, I am not "_usy". . .I am BLESSED!

What Am I Holding On To?

Last night, while listening to Beth Moore's study on Revelation....she mentioned something at the very end that was so profound to me.... After falling asleep thinking about it...I woke up thinking about it.

She said, "We either hang on to our First Love or to unforgiveness.  Which do I choose?" Wow!  Have you ever heard a statement that came directly from the Holy Spirit and nailed you the instant you heard it?  I did, last night!  I imagined my hands clutching the unforgiveness I've harbored in my heart for some time now and saw exactly how I COULDN'T be hanging on to Jesus while my hands were full and clenched tightly with unforgiveness!  There's no possible way! 

So, what did I choose?  Well, it didn't take long for me to get on my knees and ask God to forgive ME for holding on to this unforgiveness, justified or not.  In fact, I learned, "justified unforgiveness" is just another tool the enemy uses on us to keep us where he wants us....NOT where God wants us.  So, really, there is no "justified unforgiveness."  I spoke out what/who I needed to forgive and I released it, (yes, like letting a balloon go free), into the air.  Here's the great part, another thing Beth mentioned....it's not like this just goes into the air, floating on a cloud, with no destination....NO!  What I released went right into God's hands!  He grabbed it and HE will avenge it!  He will avenge the wrong I have suffered!  That is great news, friends!  I don't have to worry anymore about making this right, or being justified or anything!  God WILL make it right for me, His child!  I trust Him to do that and now I AM released from the burden of unforgiveness!!  So far, today, that's been the best news I've heard.  I hope it's good news to you as well!

So, go ahead, open your clenched fists and let the unforgiveness go.....right into God's hands.  He will avenge you too.  You no longer have to be consumed with who wronged you or what they did....just let it go. . .AND. . .this in turn has caused me to want to make amends to those I've hurt. . .Hmm?  Isn't God perfect in all His ways?  I think so . . .:)

And the two shall become one. . .

Oh my, not to be so sappy, but I have missed Gary terribly the past few days! He left on Saturday to go to Wyoming for his bow and arrow Elk Hunt for a week! We went up to Wal-mart Saturday to get him some goodies for the long road trip and said our good-byes in the parking lot...romantic, huh? I'm sure the people there at the gas station wished we'd have gotten a room! :)

So he drives off towards I-40 and I drive back to the house. When I walked in, a sadness just came over me. Knowing he'd be gone for several days AND he wouldn't have phone reception after Monday did not give me much to look forward to. So what did I do? I got up off the couch and baked a cake and proceeded to eat it...No! not all of it, but a bite just about every time I went into the kitchen...ya know? I need a lot of stuff in the kitchen, lol!

I did take photos of a family Saturday night and make it out to dinner with a girlfriend, but when I came home that night, again the sadness hit me square in the heart. I slept on Gary's side of the bed just to feel a little closer to him.

Sunday rolls around and I roll out of bed and got as far as the couch. Goodness, I was just worthless for about 48 hours! Is that ridiculous or what? Here's what I chalk it up to...my other half was literally missing and my body was going through shock! Marriage is such a blessing in so many ways! When Gary and I married, we became one, spiritually, emotionally and physically--just as God ordained it to be. When we're apart...especially when we're FAR apart...it feels unbearable at times. I told Gary that when he leaves to go on these week long hunts, which thankfully, aren't very often, I feel "vulnerable." That was the word that came to me when I was trying to put my finger on how it felt when he left. Imagine two bodies connected all the way down and when one is gone...that whole side is left...well, vulnerable...

When Gary and I married, all our problems didn't disappear over night...but we became twice as strong, twice as wise, twice as everything! Every year I'm married to Gary, I see more and more the beautiful picture God had in mind when He said 'the two shall become one.'  I am so grateful for that and so blessed to be Gary's wife.

So, here's a picture of what my hunting husband shot today with his bow . . .Man! I love him!

A Little Red Flag . . .

Well, lots has happened since I last wrote...where do I begin...You know the clothing business I was so joyfully getting into? Well...that turned out to be a smoke-screen from the enemy and I fell for it: hook...line...and sinker! I believe the enemy brings things to us that LOOK so perfect for us on the outside, yet, deeper down...there might be just one, small red flag attached....

It's that one, small red flag that I most needed to pay attention to and didn't. In fact, I completely dismissed it because of my pride, selfish ambition and falling prey to the temptations of the world...

Does that sound like a loaded paragragh when I'm just talking about a clothing business from home? Well, that's how the enemy got me to take the bait. I only blame myself for not paying attention to the little red flag. It doesn't even matter WHAT the little red flag was...the fact remains...when God puts a red flag in our path...it would be most wise to pay attention...stop....pray...wait and see what that red flag is ALL about. Had I done that...I would have never thrown myself into this full force and used 4 weeks of my life to go searching for something that only God can fulfill in me.

Suffice it to say, the show was a success and I don't feel badly about that. However, by Saturday morning, I had just about decided this was not the job for mine and Gary's life right now with him being in the busiest season of his career...so when I had to tell my manager and friend that I was not going to be able to do another show (October/Nov)...it was not good news for her. I really hate to disappoint people, but I have learned the hard way...it is better to disappoint people than disobey God. The consequences for disobeying God are much graver than the persecution of man. This was not an easy task for me, but something I HAD to do. It was between God and me at this point and I wasn't about to disobey Him again.

Friendships may be lost or broken when we choose to obey God over pleasing man, but my fear of God has grown much greater than my fear of man. Thank goodness! It has taken MANY years, but I'm finally getting there.

I encourage you to pay close attention to ANY red flag God has put before you. It is there for a very specific reason. Don't dismiss it. The consequences can be devestating...tis much better to obey in the beginning than apologize in the end. Blessings~